New Family Brewing Company: A Craft Brewery Just For Hip, Young Parents

Tyler Holme
Jul 29 · 3 min read
Photo By Evan Dvorkin on Unsplash

Being a new parent is hard. You should be allowed to chase your shrill, screaming child through the taproom to get back the shuffleboard puck they stole without the judgmental stares of a couple of bros who are taking the game way too seriously. That’s why we here at New Family Brewing have created the first craft brewery specifically for hip, young parents with children under the age of 5. That’s right, no one is allowed through our doors without a little snot-filled, bundle of joy. No Single’s Nights here, just New Families.

What exactly is a New Family?

Both parents are gainfully employed, but they still share a Netflix password with their old college roommates. That’s a New Family. Trading in a sweat-stained Black Keys T-shirt for a Gerber stained Baby Bjorn. That’s a New Family. He’s got a sweet gig at a new tech startup. She also has a sweet gig at a new tech startup. They named their daughter Khaleesi. That’s a New Family.

Our eclectic taproom fuses the great traditions of German Biergartens from centuries ago with the questionable traditions of American parenthood today. You can bring your two-year-old to the bar and never have to feel the scrutinizing gaze of an annoyed “single” after your child sticks a hand in their beer. You can bump into as many chairs as you want with your brand new Baby Runner 5000 Baby Stroller without apologizing. You can even kick back with a beer and discuss your recently developed dairy allergies while an undeveloped little human craps their pants in your arms.

Our 21 barrel brew system produces beer specifically designed to reflect the life of today’s hip, new parents. Our award-winning Double IPA features strong bursts of floral and fruity hops with a honey-like malt flavor and just a hint of baby spittle. It’s the perfect beer to enjoy out on our back patio while you and other new parents engage intense arguments under your breath with your loved ones that you think no one else can hear. We also provide plenty of open space for sleepless parents to pace back and forth, bouncing their newborns up and down in the hope of getting them to stop crying. Just watch out for all the Legos on the ground! We don’t even know how they got there.

You haven’t turned into some lame version of yourself that has to be at home and in bed by 8 pm. You’re still relatively young. You’re still fairly active on most of the popular social media apps. Except for TikTok. That app doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. Which is why New Family stays open until 8:15 pm and we play all the best lightly edited 90’s hip-hop and R&B throughout the taproom at a very reasonable volume.

The New Family Brewing Company is for the couple who won’t dare miss a backpacking trip with friends just because they had a kid a couple of months ago. The couple that will just throw the little guy in a backpack and hit the road. New Family is for the awesomely bearded fathers and the distressed hat-wearing mothers. New Family is for you… as long as you’ve had a kid within the last five years or so. Otherwise, get off our backs! It’s just a couple of beers, the kids will be fine! Geez!

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Thanks to Alex Baia

Tyler Holme

Written by

Award-winning filmmaker & comedy writer. Look over here: tylerholme.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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