New Large Bird For Sale! Cheap!
He is capable of flight. I think that flight is an abomination, but maybe you’ll enjoy it.
I’d like to get rid of my bird. I will sell him to you, if you like. If you’re in the market for a bird, that is.
Here are some facts: He is a parrot, I think, and I hate his guts. His beak is sharp, as is to be expected. He has a complete set of feathers, including silver ones, etc. He is capable of flight. I think that flight is an abomination, but maybe you’ll enjoy it. You can take his flight away, if you wish. Does not matter to me. My point is that you have options vis-a-vis flight. I just want him out of the house.
Here is another fact: He has extra toes on both of his feet. Claws, I guess you’d call them. Talons. They’re gross, whatever they are. I will give you these extra toes at no extra charge, ha ha!
Just a little joke.
Some more facts: I line his cage with newspapers so as to avoid early-onset Alzheimers. A healthy mind is a healthy bird, or so I hear. This guy likes the classifieds, as well as the sudoku. He has trouble with any sudoku tougher than medium. Stupid fucking bird. I can do the hard ones! Well, most days.
He also reads the movie reviews. He is a pretentious bird. Parrot. Whatever. He’ll correct you as to what type of bird he is, like it matters. Once he told me that rom-coms are a pedantic, reductive version of love. Fuck! What a bird! And it’s not like I’m into rom-coms in a weird way either, I just enjoy watching two hotties get along with each other! Overcome obstacles together! But enter this fuck-off bird who calls me a creep over it. I wish I never found him.
He was in a ditch, by the way. He must have been caught in a storm. Or maybe he’d been out on a bender. Maybe he was celebrating freedom with lines of blow and casual sex. Some way to live, you soggy bird! You deserved every second of what happened to you.
But, because I believe in second chances, I scooped him up. Stupid me. Worst day of my life, the day I took in this terrible bird.
Perhaps I’m being too harsh. Maybe he’s not all there, this bird. In the brain, I mean. Maybe he is missing some of his lobes. The ones that process empathy. I don’t know, I’m not a bird doctor. I’m an actuary, for Pete’s sake. They didn’t teach me about bird anatomy in math school!
Anyways, this ditch-bird can be yours on the cheap. Free, even! Just take him out of my life. Yesterday he dug up old photographs from my first marriage. My only marriage, I should say. He flew around the house for hours, singing about how I’d never do any better than her, about how I’d let the love of my life slip away. The nerve of that guy! My wife didn’t even leave me or anything, she died because her kidneys shrunk. I don’t know why they did, they didn’t teach me human anatomy in math school either. But she and I loved each other down to the last breath. And now this shit-winged bird tells me that I cannot find, rather, that I am not worthy, of love! What a heel!
I’ll throw in bird pellets for free. He eats those, you see. It’s not all crackers and flower petals. I don’t know what the hell they pack these bird pellets with but this fuckin’ bird slurps them down by the beakful. He is eating me out of house and home, this bird. He eats more than I do. I just don’t understand how he does it.
This extremely large bird can be yours! I will even throw in his cage! It was built for a dog, and a big dog at that, but I will give it to you free of charge! Act now! I am printing this ad in the classified section of every newspaper in town. He won’t be available for long!
Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on his stupid face when he reads this ad in the paper tomorrow. Hey you! Yes, you! You silly rotten bird! You’re outta here bud! Yeah! Oh, don’t give me that look, you mopey bucket of an animal. I’m not changing my mind! Can’t do nothing to about it now, you demon! You sorcerer!
So please!
Anyone!
I am begging you!
Buy this bird!
For the love of God, buy my new large bird!
