New Year’s Resolutions Revised for 2018, The End of Days

Remember when we thought 2016 was the worst? The election? All those famous people we never knew on a personal level died? Then 2017 happened. Threat of nuclear war, the Russia investigation, and the beginning of the fall of the patriarchy (which is good, but super stressful).

What’s great about living during the Apocalypse is that you can go ahead and lower your expectations for 2018.

1. Make New Friends. No. Don’t make new friends. Don’t even talk to your old friends. Try to remember who they were in 2015 before you read the litany of Facebook posts about whom they were voting for and where they stood on issues you previously assumed you agreed upon.

2. Eat Healthier. The President of the United States eats two Big Macs and two Filet O’ Fishes for dinner with a chocolate milkshake and drinks 12 Diet Cokes a day. Take it from someone like him, who knows it’s the end of the world, it no longer matters what you eat.

3. Work Out More. The gym is the last place you want to go. There are TVs with CNN on everywhere. There is no point in being informed anymore or in shape. Running will not save you.

4. Travel More. Do not leave your house. But do have your passport ready. If you must travel, because you gotta check off that bucket list before it all ends, then spend six months prior practicing a Canadian accent.

5. Read More. Read less. The news, the classics, the latest memoir, it no longer matters. Quit looking at your phones and look into your children’s eyes for the last year of the world’s existence.

6. Pay Off Student Loans. Fuck ’em. Don’t even bother with extensions, just let them go. Go bankrupt. Go to jail. Just do not worry about paying back the cost of your education plus exorbitant fees from institutions that bail out everyone except you.

7. Repair Old Wounds With a Family Member. You were able to forgive your dad that time he got too drunk, or the time your brother punched a hole in your wall, but when they voted for Trump, that shit was over. There are no reparations.

8. Quit Drinking and Smoking. Vices are all you have left. Enjoy yourself.

9. Clean Out the Garage. Yes, you should clean your garage, but then fill it up with supplies: food, water, first aid kit and a solar powered radio.

10. Vote. This is the only one I will keep untouched for you. This is the one I hope you’ll do next year. This is the only one that can give us hope.

Happy Prepared New Year to All!