New Yoga Moves For New Moms
Published in
2 min readFeb 28, 2022
- Crouching Mantis — Gradually lower until your knees touch your mat. Place your hands together at heart center and beg your cesarean stitches not to rip.
- Downward Facing Daughter — Lay face down on the carpet of your bedroom with your arm cradling your phone while your mom reminds you to treasure this time.
- Marlboro Woman — Bring your attention back to the breath. Fantasize about inhaling a cigarette behind the shed out back. Exhale while staring blankly into the void.
- Angry Baby — Take a seated position with your legs crossed in front of you. Gently place your screaming newborn in your lap and rock back and forth until you’re both crying.
- Valley of the Gods Pose — Contort yourself into a ball and roll into the deepest crevice of the couch. Pray no one finds you.
- Human/Cow — Stay rooted in your sits bones as you alternate between pumping and letting your baby wreak absolute havoc on your nipples.
- Helicopter Pose — With your feet firmly planted on the ground, begin rotating your arms from side to side, going slowly at first and picking up speed until your naked husband has no choice but to fuck right off.
- Maniac Pose — Bend at the waist until you can see your reflection in the microwave. Laugh uncontrollably while your in-laws look on in horror.
