Nineteen Things Only Introverts Will Understand

Sarah Hutto
· 3 min read
Photo by Bram van Baal on Unsplash

1. Loud noises overstimulate you, which is why you wear a plastic bucket on your head at all times with holes cut out for your eyes. No one can hurt you when you’re in your bucket.

2. Dating is really hard for you! It is equally if not more difficult for the person you are on the date with.

3. After being around lots of people, you need some downtime to decompress and stroke each of your toenails seven times to the left, seven times to the right, and seven times to the left again while humming the alphabet.

4. You hate surprises. Except for the greatest surprise of all, canceled plans or someone officially ending a friendship with you via text.

5. The most important quality in a backpack is whether you can fit inside it and still breathe once it’s zipped.

6. One time a person said Hi to you in a crowded elevator and you died and had to be brought back with a defibrillator when you got to your floor.

7. When meeting someone for the first time, you usually give them a fake name, like Blorftina, until you’re sure they can be trusted.

8. You screen all your calls. If it’s someone you don’t feel like talking to, you let it go straight to voicemail, because you’re such an introvert.

9. To avoid others, you’ve hidden in places most people would never dream of, like garbage bins, a rolled-up carpet, and in your own mind.

10. Eye contact makes you uncomfortable, especially when it is with the Invisible Eye of Darkness that allows you to see into other people’s souls. You’d rather not be able to see all the souls, which are pretty gross, honestly.

11. The one time you went to an amusement park, you fainted from heat stroke, just like a true introvert.

12. There is nothing you hate doing with other people more than eating, or as introverts call it, “the first stop on the bathroom train,” since eating is a direct path to elimination. Eating in public is essentially going to the bathroom in front of strangers.

Photo by Ian Keefe on Unsplash

13. You have little interest in athletic activity, except for jogging, or as you like to call it, running away from, but never actually escaping, your very self.

14. Sometimes, you inappropriately laugh in awkward situations, like when the person whose therapy session is running over can be heard audibly weeping through the door in the waiting room and you catch your own reflection in a mirror.

15. Your favorite move at parties is to locate the dip table, stand next to it, and find the baby carrot that is vaguely shaped like Steve Buscemi. You hold the baby Steve Buscemi carrot, and let it rest idly in your fingers, as you judge the people around you with the Invisible Eye of Darkness.

16. No one gets you quite like your cats, Thor, Meowdeline Albright, and Little Tina. You’re the only one who can see Little Tina.

17. You enjoy quiet places like museums, where the only noises you have to endure are those made by the deafening stares of subjects in paintings staring back at you, wondering what your problem is.

18. Despite being so introverted, you’ll probably find someone to marry you, which seems unfair.

19. Your parents tell you that the day you were born it appeared as if the sun was going to devour the earth. Good thing that didn’t happen, you introvert!

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Sarah Hutto

Written by

I won the Internet like four times. Words on @McSweeneys, @tnyshouts, @washingtonpost, @Reductress, @the_rumpus, @Splitsider

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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