No, I Will Not Remove The Word “Dick” From My Family Film “Dog Dicks”
My Dearest Motion Picture Association,
Thank you for the suggestion to re-name my studio’s film “Dog Detectives” in order to receive a G-rating. However, I insist that it remain titled “Dog Dicks.”
This picture is adapted from an adorable 1930s children’s book about a ragtag family of stray dogs who solve mysteries. Back then, “dick” was just slang for “detective.” I assure you, words that were innocent before will be innocent again. “Dick,” “hammer,” “shaft”… sure, they all mean penis today. But what about Dick Tracy, Mike Hammer, or John Shaft? Those aren’t penises, they’re famous detectives. I’m bringing “dick” back, and with your help, Dog Dicks will rise again.
I own the rights to the entire series, so I plan on making sequels starring Spotty, Minnie, Slobber, and Chomper, the beloved Dog Dicks. An uplifting cinematic universe, all with the original titles:
“Dog Dicks Get Licked”: the Dicks don’t solve their toughest case. It’s a cliffhanger!
“Dog Dicks Come Hard”: the Dicks put everything into finally solving the mystery. It’s triumphant!
“Dog Dicks Slide Down Smooth”: the Dicks investigate a water park. That book won a Newbury medal!
But, I cannot produce sequels until we resolve “Dog Dicks.” While I understand that you must consider the optics of “dicks,” this adaptation is clearly wholesome entertainment. In fact, the source material inspired the canine sleuths children know and love today, from Scooby-Doo to McGruff. If those dog dicks are acceptable, why not mine?
Please don’t slap an R-rating on a film which must be seen by every family. Let me tell you a story to illustrate why this means so very much.
It’s about a lonely orphan boy, whose only friends resided in the pages of books. In his local library, he discovered a section filled with Dog Dicks. He was only happy when he had Dog Dicks in his hands. They made him clever, resourceful, and upstanding because nobody stands up like a Dick. Why, acting like a Dick made him a billionaire.
Because that orphan boy… was me.
Please help me share those values with the general public. All my considerable resources have been put into this picture, because all my dreams are of Dog Dicks.
Fond regards,
Antoine Robb
Robb Studios
Los Angeles, CA
P.S. I will also not remove the dog penises from my film. Those are animal actors in their natural state. What would you have me do, put pants on my Dicks?
