No One Has Ever Been Cold Except Me, A Person From The Midwest
I just heard your teeth chattering, so I bolted over here with one surefire thing to warm you up: the knowledge that you’re not actually cold at all. You see, I’m the only person who has ever known the feeling of “cold,” because I am from the Midwest.
Sure, it’s snowing, but in the Midwest we wouldn’t even bust out the Patagonias for this. To us, snow is just a sign it’s too warm to rain solid ice pellets from the sky. In fact, “snow days” in the Midwest are so the kids can skip school and enjoy the balmy weather at the beach or park. Nothing says a Midwestern childhood like slapping on your swim trunks and your snowshoes, and building ice castles next to a lake where the water has frozen mid-wave.
You’ve heard of the polar vortex, the weather event that causes temperatures as low as negative 50 degrees? In the Midwest, we ride our bikes in that. I went for a little spin in the last polar vortex and my eyebrows froze off. Yup, the air made them harder than a Catholic’s quiche, and a strong breeze snapped ’em clean off. What’s more, the skin cells underneath had technically crystallized, so instead of eyebrows I had frozen lake water above my eyes for three years. I couldn’t help but notice you still have your eyebrows, so you must actually be pretty toasty.
