Notes From The Proverb Committee Meeting on Giving Men Fish
If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you give a man two fish, you unlock Premium Subscriber Content
HANS: I don’t think anything happens if you give a man a fish.
LEAH: I’m pretty sure something would happen.
HANS: If someone gave me a fish, I would have no reaction. I would never speak of it to them again.
KYLE: What if he ate the fish?
HANS: I would not eat the fish.
LEAH: …If you give a man a fish, maybe he’ll eat it!
HANS: If he did, it would be my last gift to him.
LEAH: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you give a man two fish, you feed him for two days. The more fish you give a man, the longer you feed him.
KYLE: Oh sure, because just giving someone food is enough to feed them now, I guess.
LEAH: You’re right; it needs pop.
KYLE: What do you mean, pop?”
LEAH: You know, pop. Pizzazz. A twist.
KYLE: Like what?
LEAH: How about “If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you give a man two fish, he’ll cut your fucking guts out.”
KYLE: Why would he do that?
LEAH: That’s what they’ll all be asking
KYLE: If you give a man a fish, it doesn’t make you special or anything, you sanctimonious prick.
LEAH: A little defensive?
HANS: Give a man fish and he’ll stare you dead in the eyes until you leave.
LEAH: That’s just you, Hans.
LEAH: We need to escalate. Remember that one we did about a butterfly flapping its wings and a storm halfway around the world? That escalated! We should do that!
KYLE: If you give a man a fish, there will be a storm halfway around the world?
LEAH: I love it!
HANS: I think we’ve been too easy on this fish-giver.
KYLE: I agree
LEAH: How so?
HANS: We’ve sat here for two hours and every proverb we’ve invented has praised this fish man for his wet and malodorous gift, and I question why we owe him such fealty.
KYLE: Yeah!
LEAH: Well, it is a nice thing to do…
HANS: I suggest ‘If you give a man a fish, die in your own filth, you fourth-birthday ruining joke of a father, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you”
KYLE: You lost me.
LEAH: Are you okay?
HANS: Only by my own standards.
KYLE: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. But on the other hand, he might turn out to be Hitler, and then, wouldn’t you feel like a real jerk?
LEAH: Is this why you didn’t bring anything to the party last month?
KYLE: It’s one reason.
LEAH: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you give any other man a fish, you’re gonna wind up being ‘The Fish Guy.’”
LEAH: You know what’s big in proverbs these days? Horses. What if we changed it to horses?
KYLE: If you give a man a horse, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to ride horses, he’ll regret having eaten the first horse.
HANS: What about ‘If you give a man a horse, he’ll stare longingly at its teeth’?”
LEAH: Not bad; let’s workshop that one tomorrow.
LEAH: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you give a man two fish, you feed him for a day, and he gets a spare fish for personal use. If you give a man control of all fish and denizens of the sea, that’s Aquaman.
KYLE: If you give a man a fish, that’s one less fish for you, dumbass no-fish-having scrub.
HANS: It’s a little harsh
KYLE: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you do literally anything else, you get that and a fish dinner afterwards.
LEAH: Why do you hate giving so much?
KYLE Because I have things. Duh.
#humor #proverbs
