Oh, So You Think An Entire Fried Chicken, Two Cornish Game Hens,
and An Artisanal Pickle Is a Cocktail Garnish? Hold Our Bloody Mary.
If you can, that is. You might need a spotter. Because our Bloody Mary is heavier than your neighbor’s obese toddler, and twice as salty.
Upon witnessing its glory 90 percent of mixologists hang up their cocktail shakers in shame while the other 10 percent switch careers to troubadour so they can travel the land singing epic ballads about it.
Now strap on boots suitable for brunch and prepare to ascend!
See, our signature cocktail sees your whole fried chicken and raises it to two whole fried chickens, one brined in buttermilk, one Ramen crusted. On top of the first fried chicken are three hot dogs, one with relish, one with sauerkraut, and one with chili, all of them wrapped in bacon. The other fried chicken is decorated with three cheeseburger sliders with onions rings, applewood-smoked bacon, and two fried pickles on top, crowned with an avocado emptied out then re-filled with guacamole. On top of that, a loaded baked potato with mac and cheese and tater tots. And a bloomin’ onion.
Did we say we were done? Sit the hell down.
Think Russian nesting dolls, but instead of dolls or anything Russian it’s a turducken, and inside the chicken inside the duck inside the turkey is a quail egg, and what’s that filled with, you ask? Are you sure you can handle it? It’s a smoked Mexican axolotl. Also known as a walking fish. For now. Because these freaky bastards are marked for extinction. And it’s slathered in mole sauce, filled with jalapeño cream cheese, and balancing a pulled pork taco, a tamale, and a very tiny burrito in its endangered appendages. Oh, and it’s wearing a deep-fried Oreo as a hat. Olé? No tan rapido. Under the hat is a red herring infused with vodka. Cause the axolotl’s named Trotsky. Nostrovia, bitches!
Hey, did we hear someone say next level? Us. We said it.
On top of the turducken: five shish kebobs, lamb, pork, beef, chicken, and tofu for the health conscious. These four skewers of meat and one meat substitute provide support for a soft shell crab holding an artisanal bratwurst in one claw and a pulley system in the other which supports a fondue pot filled with three cheeses, and on top of the crab is a tiny house made of slab bacon, with a tiny bacon patio, which has a tiny barbecue, where you can cook more sliders and hot dogs! If you cut them up real small!
And look! What’s that next to the tiny house? It’s a tiny garage — -bacon! — -and inside it is a tiny car — -not bacon! Sushi! And have you just noticed now that the shingles of the tiny house are made of wasabi-crusted tuna? Keep up!
Finally, wrapping around all of it and giving our signature Bloody Mary its name is a python eating another python that is itself eating a pig. And this whole scaly menagerie is coated in a bourbon glaze before we place the python’s tail in its own mouth, cramming it in there around that pig-eating snake, which is why we call our Bloody Mary the Ouroboros, baby. Because you know what they say about the ouroboros? Same thing they say about a brunch cocktail wrapped in a reptile: No end. No beginning. Jalapeños for eyes.
Oh, and the celery stick? We didn’t forget. Ready to have your mind blown? It’s inside the goddamn pig.
E. R. Catalano is a humor and fiction writer who writes about her evil mastermind in training at ZoevstheUniverse.com. She’s had humor on McSweeney’s, RAZED, and The Belladonna Comedy, among other places.
