Old-Timey Mafia Enforcer Finds Work At Children’s Hospital
Healthcare costs are off the charts. There are endless headlines of patients getting slapped with exorbitant hospital bills, which list increasingly confusing services. We’ve all seen reports showing $20,000 to have a baby in a hospital, $5,000 for a simple cat scan, or even $25 for a single Tylenol. What’re these poor victims of illness supposed to do when they simply can’t make these payments? Well now, the hospital has the answer: Take it up with Vin “Buzzsaw” Buccitelli.
Vin became a made-man of the Bonnano crime family way back in the 1960s. He got his start with the family when he was shining shoes in Brooklyn for pennies. A man about his age walked passed — shoes shined, fur coat, a free box of fresh cannoli’s for his best girl in hand. Vin saw him and thought, “I’m gonna kill that guy, for no particular reason.” He did. Later, he saw a flyer for the mob that read “Join the Mob.” Vin tore off a number and the rest is history. The cannoli guy has almost nothing to do with the story, it’s mainly the flyer.
The classic nickname of “Buzzsaw” came to Vin when he was assigned to hit a rival capo. Vin tracked down the guy to a nearby woodworkers shed, and you guessed it, shot him in the face and said “That would’ve been cooler if I had a buzzsaw. There isn’t one here though.” Now, in his new role as “hospital bill collections agent” at Saint Rendy’s Children’s Ward, Vin loves recalling this story to kids aged four to nine. They always respond with joyous silence.
Vin’s role is simple. A family will be over the moon when they learn their child is fully healed from rickets or whatever. What’s sweet is quickly soured when they see a $40,000 bill for a three-night stay. Most of the time, parents accept that America is the land of the free, and it’s a privilege to contribute to capitalism. Especially when you’ve chosen to abandon the labor force due to a simple disease or mere child cancer. However, some parents have a different illness: grandeurs of a Communist revolution; the red scare if you will. They will contest the merits of the bill, and that’s when, the Buzzsaw gets plugged in. Or if it’s a battery powered buzzsaw, that’s when batteries are opened and put into the battery slot of the Buzzsaw. In short, Vin will yell at them.
A family will say to Vin something like “This is outrageous! Twenty dollars for a “drinking water” fee? Our child was handed water by the nurse, we had no idea we were being charged!” Then, Vin will puff out his chest like a pigeon and say something vague and threatening, like “The water under the Verazano is damn cold this time’a year.” It’s so incredibly effective that Vin has even had some fun adding his own service charges. When little Becky was given her bill for the flu, it included a “pasta fee,” “lounge on the sidewalk fee,” and “watching WWII movies on leather couch fee.” Those may seem like complicated medical procedures, but they’re actually just some of Vin’s favorite activities.
The transition from mafia to hospital is a natural one for Vin. You see, since the Mafia’s decline in the modern era, there are fewer opportunities to mercilessly exploit the ragged, downtrodden, suffering citizens of the nation. Hospitals have taken on this role with a fervent enthusiasm. God bless America!
