Dear Donald Drumpf,
I am a Falafel. I originated in Egypt and through many a trade route came to find you eating me in America. You can think of me as a replacement for meat—not that I would ever dare entirely replace beef. Perhaps I simply complement animal protein. Who’s to say who is superior? Nevermind. There is at least some truth that I am not easily digestible but not anymore than my name is unpronounceable.
This is all easily remedied by sprouting me first. By rinsing me in a water and letting me acclimate for day. It’s not much to ask. Sprouting legumes, of which I am wholly composed of, breaks down my complex sugars and balances my pH making me easier to digest. I hate to be the Falafel to tell you this but I’ve noticed you seem rather gassy at your debates and speaking engagements—which is why I mention it. By sprouting legumes with soaks and rinses, you might reduce your abdominal distension, which I imagine is exacerbated by the shortcomings of your personal brand. From one brand to another, I never fancied politics. Do you really want 4 years of gassiness?
Mr. Drumpf, you may already suspect that your diet is not why I am writing you but rather the hate you direct at Muslims and anyone who is not white or orange. I am brown American falafel that is significantly lighter on the inside if you take the time to open me up. But, if I can figure out what you are up to, it shouldn’t be hard for others to know that you are stirring up some sickening bigotry in the kitchen. And that just messes up everyone’s meal. As a foodie concerned about political diarrhea, my message to nationalists and bigots such as yourself that seek to bar a culture so they can Make America Great Again is this: America is already great.
If it weren’t, how else would I be so popular? All these years I’ve felt overlooked as a tireless staple, a workhorse of Mediterranean cuisine but it was hungry American vegans that popularized me. How amazing is that? They say that if you can make it in America, you can make it anywhere. It’s true. I mean they’re calling me a superfood these days. The other day my agent called to say that Subway had bought into Falafel. Can you believe that? Eat fresh™, in America.
But this isn’t about me Donald Drumpf. This is about you. This is about conservatism. This is about building walls and not the ones for a new Falafel serving Subway owned and operated by immigrants. No. You see where I’m going with this Drumpf? You know good business. If we built walls. If we stopped Muslims from entering America, I the humble falafel, would never have entered your country let alone your palette or your crap hole. Xenophobia has a price and it’s a lot more than whatever you’re worth. I’m talking about the American Falafel market cap.
That is why Republican frontrunner Drumpf, I must protest your bigotry during this evening soiree where you swallowed me whole even as you gassed empty words. Here I am in your trachea where I will stay lodged and not budge even if you choke. I am not leaving your trachea until you stop with this bigotry nonsense.
Sincerely,
An American Falafel Made With Canadian Legumes And Middle Eastern Spices That Anyone Could Love
