Open Letter From The Dogs Of New York City
“Enough with loud noises please.”
To the Residents of New York City,
We the dogs, puppers, mutts, pooches, hounds, and other canine compatriots of the five boroughs of New York City have a demand for the hot months.
Each year, the city is besieged by a loudness on the scale of Krakatoa’s eruption. We of course speak of fireworks. They are far too loud for our advanced hearing. Beyond our cute ears is a complex hearing system that you bi-pedal folk could not fathom. A bang of such a magnitude repeated over and over are like nails on a chalkboard plugged into a concert amp.
What is the point anyway? The colors? Of which we dogs cannot discern. Or is it the size stretching for thousands of yards across the sky? Could your feeble minds not detect a stronger affliction with a flashlight and mirror? Is it simply, ‘loud boom, make fun?’ Please explain yourselves.
We demand the total and complete stop of fireworks within the five boroughs, no matter the occasion or sponsor.
While we are at it, we have additional demands to be made for more than just the hot months but year round.
This demand is from our contingent of apartment dwelling dogs, led by the faction in the Upper West Side. When you arrive home, stop slamming your door. We will bark if you do. We do not possess x-ray vision. We cannot see through the walls. We do not know who you are. We do not recognize your scent. So when you slam your door we are agitated and angry and fearful.
A scared dog does not make a good neighbor.
So do not scare us. Calmly enter your abode with rubber keys and a rubber door, we do not like vibrations either. So we must make it clear, enter your home quietly.
Our next demand is addressed to public safety officials.
Firetrucks are much too noisy and too fast for a chase. Again, what is the point of these sirens? Could you not notice a large automobile traveling at such speed without the blaring nonsense? Also the speed. How are we expected to enjoy a good chase, if the truck is traveling at such a velocity by the time we are in full gallop the truck has turned a corner and is gone.
What are we to do?
Our demand is the total silence for fire trucks. We understand the necessity of them for public safety, including ourselves. Furthermore, some of our comrades would be out of a job. So for the Dalmatian community we are not calling for the complete removal.
Our final demand is quite simple.
Ban children. These small incessant creatures are so terribly loud, obnoxious, and confusing. They look like you but are not. There is some protective nature we have over ones we know, like a member of my pack but not for these strangers. While Rome was built on wolves caring for two babes, we are not our grand ancestors.
These creatures run up to us with their shockingly sticky hands and gunk up our fur. Needless to say they didn’t request permission to pet us, which angers the majority of the community. So are we not expected to attack when we are mercilessly squeezed.
If a stranger walked up to you and slapped you, would you not bite back.
These are the demands that must be met. We understand that these demands will take time to enforce. But we will not stop in our efforts. We will hold rallies at the City Hall. We will mobilize at the dog parks.
Meet them by our Friday Midnight Howl or consequences you will face.
-Courtesy of New York City Concerned Dogs For Change.
