Love. It’s what makes a Subaru a Subaru. In the wake of this successful ad campaign, here are some rejected alternatives that didn’t make the cut.
You check his phone while he’s asleep. Who the hell is Karen and why is she texting your husband at 3 a.m.? Is that why he keeps going out of town on “business,” only to return smelling like Chanel and cheap wine? Your face turns red, teeth clenched, hands turn to fists. With proof of his infidelity you’ll get the kids and the house in the divorce, maybe even the first-in-its-class 2019 Subaru. You’re blind with rage as you seamlessly hug the curves downtown to your attorney’s office, thanks to our smooth handling and electronic stability control. The voice of our state-of-the-art satellite GPS tracker sounds just like John, that two-timing son of a bitch. You’re better than this, Julie, take him for every penny. Anger: it’s what makes a Subaru a Subaru.
Tap. Tap tap.* That’s the sound of the barrel of a handgun on your driver’s side window’s high-impact laminated safety glass. “Put your hands up and don’t make any fast moves,” he says. Panic engulfs your entire body as you realize you might die tonight. “If you try to scream, or reach for your OnStar© built-in roadside assistance, complete with a one-year service plan included on all new and used models, you’re fucking dead.” Your mind is clouded with terror. You could try to yell for help, maybe stab him with your keys. You certainly can’t run him over due to our automatic crash-prevention system, which puts you and your family at ease, especially with first-time drivers. You can’t believe Becky is already 16 — seems like just yesterday she was a baby — but at least you know she’s getting behind the wheel of a vehicle with enhanced safety features, the very same one you’re getting carjacked in. Don’t you want some peace of mind? Fear: It’s what makes a Subaru a Subaru.
The ceaseless unfolding of days and unending grief of existence make you wonder if it’s even worth getting out of bed in the morning. But one thing’s for certain. Our 6-cylinder, 256 horsepower engine with plastic intake manifold and drive-by-wire throttle delivers the power and handling that would propel you straight through the metal barricade into the lake below, or through the thick double doors of a Dairy Queen or local library. Hope? Zero. Joy? Zero. And if you act now APR financing starts at zero on all new SUVs through the end of the year. Ever asked yourself, “What’s even the point?” The answer? Savings. Sadness: It’s what makes a Subaru a Subaru.
Holy motherfucking shit, seat warmers!!! Surprise: It’s what makes a Subaru a Subaru.