Other Things that Would Benefit From a “Skip Intro” Button

It’s Not Just TV Shows

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

Written by Alex Connolly and Ginny Hogan

We all love the Netflix “Skip Intro” button — it cuts down on those painful moments in which new content is not stimulating the release of sweet, sweet, dopamine. That’s why a Skip Intro button should be available for additional activities as well, such as:

• First Dates: The part where you ask each other to state facts and opinions? No thank you. Skip to the part where you agree to order delivery and make it seem like the other person’s idea.
• Doctor’s Appointments: You’re happy to tune back in after the weighing portion but before they ask if you have any other questions. You have a lot of questions. What brand of alcoholic kombucha is best for productivity? Why does your body hurt when you wake up in the morning and also at night and also during the day? Is it your parents’ fault with respect to your genes or your upbringing?
• Putting on Jeans: Once they’re over the thighs, you’re home-free.
• Marathons: The introductory 25 miles are such a drag.
• Second Dates: The part where you’re quizzed on whether or not you remembered any facts from the first date? No thank you. Here’s a better quiz: Chinese or Sushi?
• The Entire Cannon of Stephen King: Get to the good part, Stephen!! We don’t all have access to as much cocaine as you did.
• Hangovers: Skip the headache and nausea and go straight to the breakfast-for-dinner in which you substitute a Belgian waffle for toast.
• Relationships: Skip the pre-DTR part. Obviously you’re in a relationship — you let them have one of your scallion pancakes. Therefore, they have to go to family weddings with you.
• Swimming: You hate getting in but you love being in. The only time you want to be confronted with that kind of jarring coldness is when watching a Noah Baumbach movie.
• Your Sister’s Wedding: They are writing their own vows. Skip ahead 45 minutes to the non-Church part. You know, the part with the open bar.
• Gin & Tonics: After the fifth one, you can’t taste the gin.
• Your Sister’s Wedding Dinner: Salad is only an “appetizer” in that it does not make you any less hungry. Pass the wine — you’re starving.
• The Toast You Gave: No one needed to see the part at the beginning where you did a series of mic checks, spilled your drink, and mentioned the groom was your sister’s second choice after her high school boyfriend joined the army.
• Your New Romantic Partner Saying It Was Probably Too Soon to Attend a Family Wedding Together: Okay, so two months ago you were “fun,” and now you’re an “alcoholic”?
• Your Mom Telling You that You Ruined Your Sister’s Wedding and She Agrees with Your Now-Ex That You’re an Alcoholic: She is so long-winded, my god. Get to the point — that you’re on a one-way road leading to death or jail!
• Sobriety: You’d like to skip the initial shame and withdrawal and go straight to your pink cloud, please. You know sobriety can’t stay this good forever, but it’s way better than what came before. Kind of like Season 3 of The Office.
• The Twelve Steps: How about a Skip Button for the ones about personal inventory and amends? “Amiright?” you ask your sponsor. “No,” she says.
• AA Meetings: Get to the good part, Gary!! We don’t all have access to as much cocaine as you did. Actually, we don’t have access to any. And, well, nevermind, take your time. Day by day, you’re learning to have patience and to take what life gives you rather than trying to constantly control your experience. What a miracle it is to be able to live life on life’s terms.
• Sober First Dates: Are we really not ordering take-out?

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