Our App Guarantees Your Child’s Absolute Safety And Life Success

Alex Baia
Slackjaw
Published in
4 min readMay 10, 2024

--

Photo by Bianca Berndt on Unsplash

As a parent who loves your child, we know you spend countless hours wrestling with this question: “How can I place my precious babe in an impenetrable cocoon of safety so that they are never harmed and grow up to be the perfect adult I need them to be?”

We get it. In today’s terrifying world, it’s impossible to guard against every threat to your child’s success and well-being…

What if your kid gets bullied for playing the flute, but you don’t learn about it? Could you live with yourself knowing that your child will abandon woodwinds and never perform a Bach sonata to a sold-out crowd at Lincoln Center?

What if your lethargic teen is ten minutes late for seventh-grade homeroom? This could lead to her being suspended from school and becoming a pot-smoking emo who is ineligible for all pre-med programs.

What if your toddler trips on a cucumber and his head explodes? It’s happened to countless families.

That’s where PanoptiKid comes in, the only app that provides continuous, night and day monitoring, protection, and intervention, from birth through young adulthood.

PanoptiKid is built with crucial safety features your family needs and advanced hardware that ensure a healthy childhood of your design:

--

--

Alex Baia
Slackjaw

Humor writer, book junkie, stargazer, optimist. Resident philosophy major. Get my humor newsletter: https://alexbaia.com/humor