Our Company’s IPO Is Today, So If Any Employees Know What Our Business Model Is Please Email Me ASAP
Attn Team:
Congrats everybody! We finally did it. Today is Fastcelerate Inc’s IPO, and investors are lining up to buy shares of our $65 billion company. Although I deserve most of the credit for this as your CEO, I also want to thank the 18,000 employees whose hard work and tireless labor made my success possible. We have the best people on the planet, which is why I’m confident someone here knows our business model and it’s urgent that they tell me what it is.
If anybody understands what we do to make money, please email that info to me ASAP.
When I founded this company, I had a vision of combining the words Fast and Accelerate into one word, and using that word as the name of a startup. My mission wasn’t to chase short-term profits, but to chase short-term venture capital funding that I could use to build lavish offices in the world’s most expensive cities. I’ve already done my part. I came up with the great name. Now it’s up to you, my valued staff, to rise to the challenge and figure out how we’re going to repay all the angel investors that keep leaving me irate voicemails.
It’s not my job to tell you little details like how our company earns revenue. As CEO, I focus on the big picture. In this case, the big picture is the $70 million Basquiat painting hanging above the cereal bar in our employee lounge. My responsibility as leader is to unleash your creativity with perks like complimentary Fruit Loops and art that belongs in museums, so you can collaborate with your peers and brainstorm the reason why this corporation exists.
All ideas are welcome! There’s no wrong answer. Maybe we’re a tech company? I’ve noticed a lot of computers in our office. We could use them to code something, like an app. Or perhaps we’re a revolutionary DNA testing service, and we can start collecting cups of spit from customers. Pick an industry and disrupt it. We could be the Uber of banking. The SpaceX of farming. Find something and put it on the blockchain. What does Oracle do? Can we copy them and do it too?
Let’s pivot to video. Or if we’ve already pivoted to video, let’s pivot away from video. We can pivot anywhere you like. You tell me! All that matters is that we pivot somewhere, immediately, before Wall Street analysts pay attention to our staggering quarterly losses.
Don’t worry that becoming financially solvent will change our culture. Even after we start bringing in revenue somehow, Fastcelerate will always be the same ethically-enlightened eco-conscious global citizen we’ve always been. Remember, we’re the folks that care so much about the environment we hired will.i.am to perform at our Arbor Day party. And I remain fully committed to our Giving Promise, the pledge that for every laser tag arena we build in one of our offices, we’ll match it by also building a laser tag arena in an impoverished third world village.
Here’s an extra incentive to help get your creative juices flowing. Whichever employee thinks up a winning idea that can earn us billions of dollars in annual profits will be rewarded with a $100 gift certificate, redeemable for whatever product or service we eventually sell.
So get started on those ideas and please hurry. I’m being interviewed on CNBC in half an hour, and I’m telling them whatever business model I got by then. Good luck, team!
