Our Divorce Would Cause A Temporal Rift, Sharon

Do you really want to mess with the space/time continuum and also our tax status?

Image credit: Pexels

Divorce is a mistake. Trying to push for one undermines the will of 50% of the participants in our marriage. Sharon, I didn’t make the rules, and according to those rules a divorce literally undoes a marriage. Everything from our wedding date until now would be null, void, and invalid. In short, our divorce would destroy the fabric of space/time by throwing the car that is the universe into reverse.

Remember in Back to the Future (as well as its relevant sequels), one small change can forever change the course of history. Divorcing me undoes every impact that our marriage had on the world: our children would be unconceived and literally retract into your uterus, the taxes we filed jointly would be undeposited from the federal treasury, and the legislation passed during our marriage which allowed for the imprisonment of children and poisoning of our lakes and streams would be but a figment of the collective imagination.

Divorce is Wite Out. Divorce is a CRTL-Alt-Delete. Divorce isn’t but a civil arrangement; it is a protochronological reexamination of facts. And the facts are this: we are married. Time is a straight line, inevitably driven forward like a riptide sloshed over the side of a boat that I inadvisably bought with our pension. Them’s the brakes.

We simply cannot allow our differences of opinion on what it means to be “good with money,” “reliable” or “faithful” to get in the way of the natural course of history. I thought you supported women? What if we get divorced and in the redo of the timeline, there’s no Handmaid’s Tale Halloween costumes? What if the new future in the world of our reverse-marriage there wasn’t that chicken sandwich, or those Coke machines that let you mix orange and vanilla and cherry? Can you imagine selfishly depriving the world of Drew Carey hosting The Price is Right, an abrupt, ill-advised exit from a nuclear deal with Iran, or that viral video with the fried quesadilla pizza? Sharon, in a world without our wedding, who knows what horrors could exist.

What is a divorceable offence, really? Sleeping with the head of the PTA was something that would have been beneficial to all of us. She said some year you could quit your position as Box Top Coordinator. Not yet — there are thousands of tiny cardboard squares to sort into baggies of fifty, and Laura’s French manicure doesn’t allow her to do such fine-detail work. In the meantime, coordinate within the box of our marriage. It’s the least you can do for the good of the kids in our the public school system which is, honestly, barely making it and relies pretty heavily on the ten cent contributions on taco seasoning labels.

Honestly, who do we have to blame in all of this “divorce” debacle? “Free will” is but an illusion, sold to you by the “greeting card companies” which I never patronized by refusing to remember your “birthday”. You can’t hear the quotes, but I’m putting them in there to get you to understand that words have no meaning, and all that has meaning is the fabric of time which will fold over upon itself before ripping into a gaping maw of nothing — that’s right. Our divorce would cause a black hole. Hope you like your Sunday dinners with a side of fear of being swallowed into eternity.

Just remember that when you said, “I do,” you meant, “I do agree to avoid temporal collapse.” I love you, Sharon, and I think you missed a box top. There. Three thousand to go.

Slackjaw

Thanks to Sarah James

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Rachel Mans McKenny

Written by

Writer. Mostly harmless/water. Stuff in McSweeney’s, The Rumpus, Electric Lit, etc. rachelmansmckenny.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Rachel Mans McKenny

Written by

Writer. Mostly harmless/water. Stuff in McSweeney’s, The Rumpus, Electric Lit, etc. rachelmansmckenny.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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