Our FEC Fundraising Deadline Is Tonight and This Campaign Is Facing Catastrophe
From: Dana (Campaign Manager)
Subject: LAST CHANCE
Midnight is careening toward us and our campaign is on the verge of financial ruin. Tonight’s FEC fundraising deadline is our last chance to transform American politics, and we are not even within striking distance of striking distance of our goal. I’m begging you and everyone who believes in this campaign: please donate. Please.
While every other candidate is hauling in truckloads of money through massive corporate fundraisers, licking Prada boots and genuflecting at the hooves of that Wall Street bull, our campaign is fueled by small donations. Last quarter, the average donation totaled $24. But this quarter, the average donation is only sixteen cents. The best explanation we have for how this happened is some kind of curse. Our campaign headquarters is working by candlelight and we were just served eviction papers. The situation is growing dire, so please donate something. Anything.
If you give before midnight tonight, we will bestow upon you the title of “Foundational Donor.” You can put that on your resume, your LinkedIn, your Christmas newsletter, do what you want with it — it’s yours. Want a flashier title? Donate now and we’ll grant you literally any title you want. Emperor, Golden Globe Nominee, Pope, whatever your heart desires. When we’re in the Oval Office, one little executive order will make those titles law. All you have to do is send some money, Bitcoin or food. We lack basic essentials. Soap. We really need soap.
This campaign has lots of interns who’ll do whatever we say. They will dance for you. We will give them cymbals and dress them in little fezzes and felt vests, and they will prance around your living room to organ grinder music. Your family will watch from the couch, belly-laughing and pointing, and you will whip loose change at them. Your coins will be the lifeblood of our campaign.
We are in so much debt that I have twenty volunteers hitting up twenty different payday loan vendors all over the city. Interest rates of three-hundred, four-hundred percent, and these are rough guys giving out these loans. They wear heavy rings and their henchmen carry baseball bats. If we don’t pay them back in money, they collect in blood. Our volunteers are signing contracts using my personal name — that’s how much I believe in this campaign. If we don’t reach our goal, I will be forced into hiding until I die.
Your donation will save both this campaign and my life.
AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! I’m sorry — with the stress of this deadline, sometimes I just need to let it out. We’ve all worked so hard, and our goal is still so far. What do I need to say to get you to donate? I will jump off a bridge if you don’t. I didn’t mean that. Just forget I ever said that. Don’t look at my saved searches in Google Maps.
Thank you for standing with this campaign. You’ll be proud of what we accomplish together. I’ll send updates as they come — expect at least thirty increasingly desperate emails from me within the next few hours.