Our New Wedding Date Didn’t Work For Greg, So Now I’m Marrying Chad

Christopher Shelley
Slackjaw
Published in
3 min readSep 25, 2021

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Greg’s family: you are still cordially invited!

Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash

Dear Friends, Family, and Plus-Ones,

I hope this wedding update finds you well. What a year! A year like no other, and not just because I’m getting married.

As you know, Greg and I planned to get married on June 20, 2020, but this inconvenient pandemic forced us to put our plans on ice. We were on track to hold our wedding on June 20, 2021, but with the delta variant, we have once again moved the date, this time to June 20, 2022, with one minor change.

On the one hand, we are so fortunate that our venue and entire team of wedding vendors is available for our new date. It’s so hard to find talented and professional musicians, photographers, videographers, planners, caterers, psychic mediums, close-up magicians, DJs, and of course our officiant, my sister Kassidy.

Only one person had a scheduling conflict: the Groom. Since June 20, 2022 didn’t work for Greg, I’m now marrying Chad.

Of course I’ll explain. Many of you know that my lucky number is 620, and has been since I was awarded $620,000,000 in a Botox malpractice lawsuit on June 20, 2010. That’s why I planned to get married at 6:20pm, on 6/20/20, to Greg, the 62nd man I’d slept with, in front of 620 cherished guests at 620 Loft & Garden, across from St. Patrick’s Cathedral on 5th avenue. (Oh how I wish that 5th avenue was 6th avenue.) Anyone who’s ever planned a wedding knows that the date must be harmonious or else what would we have? A doomed marriage, that’s what.

Getting Greg to agree to June 20, 2020 required my full arsenal of hypnotic suggestion, sex appeal, and venom. You’ll never guess why it was so difficult. I’ll just tell you. It probably seems petty to you and me, but June 20 just happens to be the anniversary of when the Los Zetas drug cartel murdered his parents in cold blood while they were antiquing through Tamaulipas, Mexico. Talk about a doomed marriage.

Did Greg’s parents get murdered by drug lords on that date just to spite me? We’ll never hear their side of the story because of the many, many bullets the cartel fired through their necks, mouths, and brains on (according to Greg) June 20, 2001.

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Christopher Shelley
Slackjaw

Wedding Celebrant | Speaker | Emcee — Humor in Slackjaw, Little Old Lady Comedy, Points in Case. Weddings: www.IlluminatingCeremonies.com