Outta My Way Pipsqueak, I’m The Hectic Middle-Aged Parkour Dude In The Kid’s Playground
What’s that four-year-old Freddy? You’re wondering what a frantic 43-year-old bro is doing in the kids’ playground at peak hour on a Saturday morning? A good guess would be that I’m an involved dad of an active kid. Wrong. Another good guess would be that I’m a fun uncle who loves kids but isn’t yet ready to have his own. Also wrong. Another perfectly reasonable guess would be that I’m a stoked-on-life non-lonely fella practicing my crisp parkour. Right!
I’ve been honing my rock ‘n roll parkour at prime time in the playground for 16 years. My life changed when I watched the opening scenes of Casino Royale. I can tell by the looks I’m receiving from Millie’s mum that I’m getting pretty good. She stares at me with those thirsty eyes I know she has when she sees Daniel Craig coming out of the water in his European swimming trunks.
Hurry up three-year-old Thaddea, you’re not even good at the Monkey bars. You’re ruining my sick route through the playground. Let me show you how it’s done. Watch closely as I do all the monkey bars with just one hand. There’s a very good reason I’m known as Scotty ‘Spiderman’ Sparks. If you practice very hard maybe, just maybe, you’ll be as good as me in about 20 years.
Gee six-year-old Sam, I bet you’ve never even heard of David Belle. Your technique on the swing is really substandard. I’m absolutely annihilating you at how high I can go. There’s a very good reason I’m known as Scotty ‘Swinger’ Sparks.
Woah two-year-old Tommy, way to suck at the trampoline. Let me show you how a master does it. There’s a very good reason I’m known as Scotty ‘Springbok’ Sparks, and I’m not even South African. Watch these moves. Flying kick. KABOOM. 360° spin. ZING. Groin smash as I miss the landing. OWIE.
Oi seven-year-old Sally, why do your parents keep asking me to stop my rad parkour in the playground? They say it’s dangerous for the children. But your parents are the only ones in danger. When they see my totally buzzing cat leap and monkey vault they’re in danger of realising how lame their lives are.
Busy time at the playground is better for my hardcore parkour anyway. There are heaps more soft, squishy obstacles for me to bunny hop over, pivot around, and soften my landing when I don’t quite nail my sweet precision jump from the top of the fireman’s pole.
Outta my way, five-year-old Fabian. I’m about to go head first down the slide straight into a somersault, pop up into a gnarly wall run, dodge one-year-old Juanita, vault over the heads of twins Tammy and Tessa, and slide straight into the DMs of Millie’s mum.
So Millie’s mum, are you interested in a hectic dude like me? Millie tells me you’re recently single and feeling a bit blue. Are you interested in a rebound with a fit parkour punk? I can literally rebound off the kids basketball backboard and into your arms. I promise the groin smash didn’t do any lasting damage. I’m probably just a bit blue myself. We can navigate around your ex like I navigate around my parkour obstacles, with efficiency, speed, and the occasional heated argument.
Oh, now’s not the right time? I need to focus on my wicked parkour anyway. See you next Saturday!
