Painless Ways Your Damn Family Can Entertain Themselves While They Complain About Being Bored At Disney’s Magic Kingdom
Go Get A Damn Dole Whip Or Something
Look kids, as your mother, I don’t understand how you could possibly be so bored right now. I paid plenty of money for this vacation and I’m not going to let you all rain on my parade. I mean I haven’t been to Disney World since I completed the Disney College Program in 2002! Here, take my $10 and go buy yourself a Dole Whip or a damn turkey leg. Just make sure you get back before our FastPass ends or I swear to God I’m going to go on Splash Mountain without you.
Get Your Damn Picture Taken With Buzz Lightyear
Seriously, just go, you’re slowing me down here. Disney spent so much time ensuring this park was full of all these bells and whistles, and I am not going to miss a thing! Now if you don’t mind, I would love to get some pictures and autographs for the damn scrapbook. To infinity, and…get out of my face.
Look Around At All The Damn Magic
No really, just look around. I mean come on! So much has changed since I was last here! Look, look over there! There’s The Enchanted Tiki Room, lanterns hanging from the trees, Agrabah Bazaar across the way, and even a camel spitting water on people. Stop just staring at me and look at the giant gold camel!
Go Pin Trading, Damnit
It’s just, it’s like I don’t even know you guys anymore. Like how are you not impressed by how magical this place is? Look, Chelsea! I even bought you and your brother these Disney pins, see? And you can trade them with any Cast Member and they have to trade with you no matter what. Even if your pin is like super lame! Goddamnit! How are you still not impressed?
Hunt For Hidden Damn Mickeys
Hidden Mickeys are fun, right? How can they not be!? I even bought this “Hidden Mickeys” book by Steven M. Barrett. Just open it up, read the clues, and go on a scavenger hunt. Okay, what’s with the face? They are hidden Mickeys, damnit! Most kids would go crazy for this shit!
Watch The Damn Festival Of Fantasy Parade
If you’re still bored after watching this parade, you honestly can’t be my children anymore. I heard they have all the best characters like Elsa and Pinocchio and Captain Hook and Jiminy Cricket. AND they even have a fire-breathing dragon!! Why the fuck are you yawning, Chelsea?
Twiddle Your Damn Thumbs, I Don’t Know!
I’m at a loss at this point! How about you go on the PeopleMover and twiddle your thumbs for a bit since it’s so hard to find entertainment at fucking DISNEY WORLD! It’s just like, Disney World has always meant so much to me and it’s just, UGHHH! If you can’t find something to do here, literally anything, I just…I just don’t know what to do with you! ARG! Like are you even my children at this point?
Make Friends With That Damn Family Over There
You know what? I can’t anymore. They look like a nice bunch over there, go make small talk and see if anything sticks. And yes, I know that child is at least 5 years younger than you, Chelsea, but you’re going to have to suck it up. I mean just look at her! That child actually looks like she is having fun! Fuck it, why don’t you all just see if that family will adopt you so I can drown myself in this damn bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and ride Under the Sea — Journey of The Little Mermaid until I pass out?
Ride A Damn Ride
Oh look, there’s no line at the Carousel of Progress! And don’t even think about complaining about this ride, it is pure fucking gold. Now, I am your mother goddamnit! Stop staring at me and get inside, fuckers!
