Pandemic Dating Is Going Quite Well, Thank You For Asking
Have my attachment issues to my vibrator become somewhat problematic? Maybe.
Am I worried that sex is nothing like riding a bike and I will in fact forget how to do it? A little.
Am I irrationally angry at my partnered friends? Of course.
Have I familiarized myself with every local park, analyzed the likelihood of receiving an open container violation, and cross-referenced it with the number of children present at a given time in order to identify the prime socially distant first date location? Duh.
As a result, do I never want to step foot in a fucking park again? Obviously.
Do I delete and re-download all of the dating apps twice a week on average? Who doesn’t!
Have I considered purchasing a ring light to look hotter in all of my zoom dates? Seems like a solid investment.
Do I have 5+ phone boyfriends that I have no intention of ever meeting in real life? Totally.
Did I spend six months more invested in sexting my ex than in meeting someone new? Definitely.
Did I write a three-page single-spaced essay explaining why it was actually a good idea for me to sext my ex? As a therapeutic exercise, sure.
Is he still the last person I slept with? He most certainly is!
Have I gotten more comfortable with being alone? Absolutely not.
Did I tweet “If there are any guys out there that are secretly in love with me and too afraid to say something — let me just tell you, now’s the time” and sincerely hope that someone would reach out? I plead the fifth.
Do I want my sister and brother-in-law to contractually commit to our platonic throuple relationship? 100% yes.
So yes, I’d say pandemic dating is going quite well. In fact, there has never been a better time to be a single woman in her thirties, thank you for asking.