Parents, Our Recent Colonization By Alien Arthropods Means Changes To Your Child’s Pick-Up And Drop-Off Procedures
I’m writing this on the back of an old cafeteria menu, so please read carefully!
Good Morning, Cougar Families!!
What a couple of weeks it has been! While we all had hopes that Earth would mount a stronger resistance to our new Arthropod Overlords, we are pleased to report a 60% retention rate of Creekside Elementary students since before the invasion. Can’t Hide That Cougar Pride! Part of adjusting to this “new normal” means slight changes to our morning and afternoon pick-up and drop-off routines. Please read carefully.
Bus Riders
Arrival: Great News! After years of attempts, we have finally consolidated our bus routes down to a single stop, which will take place outside Internment Camp “C” (as in “Cat”). Of course, this change means we all need to adapt in other areas. Buses will pick up two hours earlier, at 5:30 am, to safely navigate around the many active chemical fires still blocking the majority of our community streets and to efficiently pass through all three security checkpoints. Parents, ask your kiddos to show you the fun dance drills we’ve practiced to avoid being mistaken for enemy combatants at checkpoints. Just NEC and BOF, kids! (No Eye Contact, Backpacks on Front).
Departure: We have learned that our captors primarily feed at dusk, so to ensure that all our Cougar Cubs safely return to their corrals, bus departure has been moved from 3:45 pm to 11:45 am. Between this, the delayed arrival, and added time to address the trauma of passing through the checkpoints, instructional time has been trimmed to 45 minutes. Our teachers are thrilled for the challenge to do more with less! Please have your cubs use the bathroom before school!
Car Riders
Arrival: Congratulations on still owning a car! We can only assume this means you are now a part of the roaming hoards of vigilantes about which we have only heard rumors. In order to avoid undue attention, please don’t come to a complete stop in the drop off line. Our tireless custodial staff has repurposed the gym mats outside (thank you, Mr. Hargrove!), and we ask that your cubs jump, tuck, and roll their way into another great day at Creekside.
Departure: Where do you go during the day? Can you bring food? How many can you fit in your car? How about just one full size adult with exceptional communication and leadership skills?
W̶a̶l̶k̶e̶r̶s̶ Runners
Go! Run! You don’t have time to read this! We don’t know why this is even still an option. Stay low to the ground and avoid damp areas. Don’t go back for your Peppa Pig thermos, Charlotte. Your parents can buy, er, make you a new one. Maybe. And, for goodness sakes, if you somehow make it home, switch to Bus Rider!
Remember if you do decide to change your transportation mode, we ask that you visit our office to pick up a Change of Transportation form and deliver three copies of the completed form to the central office which has been moved to an unmarked, underground bunker. Please wait 2–3 weeks for confirmation. Until then, consider staying home from school. I am.
Your Cougar Captain,
Principal Valerie Johnson
