Peloton Instructor Accidentally Gets Political
“Let’s check out that leaderboard. Okay, Peloton, I see you! Let’s go Brandon!”
“Keep that energy up, Peloton! You can do this. You matter! Your life matters! All lives matter! …Um… I just meant you’re worth it…”
“Sprints suck you guys, why do I keep including them in my program? That ends today. No more sprints. I will no longer be a part of the silent majority.”
“No one is going to come and give you a handout. Wellness is not welfare!”
“When the world is coming at you and wants you and pushing unhealthy choices on you, remember, they’re the 99%, but you’re different. You’re the 1%. You stand tall and you say to those trying to push you off your path: no, you don’t get to occupy my street.”
“Guys, I gotta be honest. I’m having an off day… My roommate keeps getting on my case for forgetting to take out the trash. It’s like, I’m not trying to forget! I don’t know. Maybe it’s COVID brain, even though we all know that’s a hoax.”
“Your life is yours! Make the life of your dreams… no one can stop you. Embrace it. Be pro-life! I am hearing how that sounds… that is not what I meant.”
“Okay, Peloton, for those of you using a heart rate monitor, we want to push to the top heart rate zone. That’s zone 5 or your red zone. It’s going to suck, but this is the best thing we can do for our health. I always say, ‘better red than dead!’”
“I know these dumbbells are heavy, but muscle growth is so important and we get that from lifting heavy, team. Keep breathing. If you’re not feeling the burn yet, grab those heavier weights. Say to everyone at the gym: ‘my pronouns are kiss my ass!’”
“Everybody needs hater blockers. That’s what I say… let the haters talk, but what’s that? We can’t hear them because we built the wall.”
“I know this hill is steep and I know this is hard, but you can do hard things! Turn up that resistance 2 more. That knob is your path to glory, and speaking of glory, the new 4th of July is January 6th!”
“We’re going to look and feel so strong when your boo-thang sees you, woo baby you better watch out, Donald J. Trump is still our rightful President!”
Carly Gibson is a comedy writer and producer based in Connecticut, but she doesn’t like admitting that. Her work has been published in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Slackjaw and Weekly Humorist. Find her on Twitter and Instagram @carlygibson3.
