Penances for your Workplace Sins

If you are reading this, you have been reported for committing one of these workplace sins. And since flagellation is frowned upon in a corporate setting, please read and carry out these penances for your workplace sins.

For being barefoot in the office:

Sinner, please perform a reverse foot baptism. That is, please dowse all surfaces your bare feet touched with Lysol. Then you will be forgiven.

For using too many exclamation marks in an email:

To pay for this sin, you must remove the 1/! key from your keyboard in order to avoid future temptation.

For fish in the microwave:

Buy everyone donuts.

For prefacing a question to a coworker with “Hey, you probably don’t know this, but…”:

Atone for this sin by answering every question asked to you with a disclaimer. Say, “my answer may be inaccurate because everything I know is at least somewhat informed by bias, but…”

For unnecessary “reply all” emails:

Since you believed it was necessary for all 100+ employees to see your laughing minions GIF response, you must repent and seek forgiveness from all 100+ employees individually.

For using the last k cup for the office keurig:

You must use the designated “I’m a greedy, greedy caffeine guzzler” mug for all following cups of coffee. Use until a new sinner emerges.

For arriving late:

Prove commitment and loyalty to the company by stapling your slacks to the office chair until end of day.

For ordering Jimmy John’s and not telling Janet:

Janet needs a turkey sandwich, dammit. Plan it in advance ’cause Janet’s famished. Now she’s stranded and abandoned without a Turkey Tom. Please understand this commandment or we’ll call your Mom. Don’t get banished — order Janet some damn Jimmy John’s.

For chewing loudly:

Receive a smack as loud as your mouth.

For answering the office phone by saying “Yello” instead of “Hello”:

Go to the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror. Ask yourself: “Who am I?” Really consider it. Return to work when you know.

For promising to water Nancy’s plants while she’s gone in Bermuda but forgetting to until she returns:

Nancy’s face upon discovering her dead plants is your penance.

For leaving dishes in the sink:

You must stand upon the highest perch in the office and proclaim “Brethren: forgive me. It was I who made the big sink stink.”

For calling a meeting that could have just been an email:

There is no greater sin. Pack your things.