Pence’s COVID-19 Plan, Borrowed From The Doctors Of The Black Plague
My fellow Americans, I am proud to serve you as Coronavirus Czar. I am confident my COVID-19 containment plan will be successful, because I have copied it directly from the most brilliant medical minds of all time: the physicians of the Black Plague.
As you know, the Black Plague ravaged Europe for 200 years in the Middle Ages, killing nearly half the continent — plenty of time for doctors to hone their skills! They, like me, were extremely pious, fearful of God, and utterly skeptical of science. That’s why I will follow their fool-proof regimen, perfected in the 1360s, and lead you all to safety.
Dress Doctors as Bespoke Satanic Ravens
Medieval physicians understood what we don’t: the worst plagues must be met with the best outfits. Our physicians cast out death — why not scare it straight out of patients by dressing as carrion birds from the depths of Hell! We’ll be reverting back to the classic Black Plague uniform: waxed black butcher coat, wide-brimmed hat, a spiffy cane, and a beaked leather mask that evokes the spawn of Lucifer himself.
Diagnose Which Astrological Curse Sent This Plague
I couldn’t believe it either — we have still not established a panel of astrologists to establish where coronavirus is coming from! Don’t worry, I’m on it now. As doctors quickly discovered in 1348, the Black Plague was sent by God after a strange alignment of Jupiter, Mars, and Saturn. Which celestial force could be acting up this time? My bet’s on Pluto, seeking vengeance after being demoted to a dwarf planet. That is precisely why I supported stripping NASA of funding, but since Congress stonewalled us, here we are, battling a pestilence of malodorous vapors sent by an angry rock.
Appoint as Deputy Czar the Plague Doctor & Prophet, Nostradamus
Folks, I like this guy. When we first met on an expert panel for Infowars, I couldn’t believe how many suspicions we had in common! And while Nostradamus is better known for his astoundingly accurate predictions — the sinking of the Titanic, anyone? — he was also a renowned plague physician. As Deputy Czar of the COVID-19 response, he’s got some great ideas: instead of respiratory ventilators, for instance, we’re going to start patients on these delicious rose-hip pills he makes himself. Plus, Nos is a Sagittarius and I am your classic Gemini, so our compatibility speaks for itself. Finally, a kindred spirit in the White House!
At Least *Explore* the Effectiveness of Urine Baths
Okay, so I wasn’t totally sold on this one, but after many thoughts and prayers, I’ve decided we should give it a shot. Physicians of the Black Plague era were adamant that regular soaks in a bath of urine would ward off unpleasant miasmas. And this one is logistically simpler than some other treatments of the day, such as convalescing in the sewers or applying poultices made of poop (those remedies are still on the table of course — the Trump Administration loves options!). As a demonstration of his commitment to America, I’ve asked Representative Adam Schiff to take the lead on this one. It’s really the least he can do.
Appease God’s Wrath by Drumming up an Inquisition
This one is critical. We cannot let people get angry with God. Whatever happens down here — be it pestilence or miasma or my begrudging fondness for RuPaul’s Drag Race — it is because God willed it so. If people start getting uppity about a just God doing unjust things, well then, we’ll take a page out of the Medieval history books and start rooting out the heretics. And hey, as the Pope figured out in 1470, nothing keeps the plague away like a good old-fashioned bonfire!
Follow Slackjaw on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and get our best stories once a month by email.
