Photos Of Little Hams I Keep In My Wallet For When People Show Me Pictures Of Their Kids
Check out these salt-cured cuties!
Jackson, 6 mo, clove ham.
Isn’t this photo just precious? I know you didn’t ask to see it, but I couldn’t help myself. This little fella is named Jackson. He’s super sweet and affectionate. He loves getting snuggles, hearing silly songs, and bobbing up and down in his Baby Bjorn bouncer. He’s at such a good age.
Isabella, age 5, ham hock.
You just gotta see a picture of this little rascal. Her name is Isabella. You couldn’t tell from looking at her, but she’s quite the handful! She takes after her dad in that way. Look at her on her bed of lettuce, all tucked in. She’s just about to go to sleep in this photo. Aren’t little hams the best when they’re asleep? I’m joking, of course. They’re the best all of the time. Sleep tight, Isabella.
Mia, age 8, honey baked.
How a-dork-able is this little lady? I can tell you’re dying to hear all about her, and I’m thrilled to oblige! Mia is reading at a fourth-grade level and she just started Russian Math School — her algebra homework is already too hard for me! But what’s really special about her is her emotional intelligence. She’s really in touch with her feelings, and she’s so empathetic. She puts on these little bake sales with her friends to raise money for our local homeless shelter. She inspires me so much… Sometimes I’m like, “Who’s raising who?” If you have a gifted child, you can probably relate. Your experience raising children and my experience with these little hams are so similar!
Riley, Brianna, Liam, Tex (Top row, L-R), Brayden, Mateo, Sofia-Grace (Bottom row, L-R), ages 3–4, smoked.
.Check out these salt-cured cuties, all lined up in a row! Guess which one is mine? Go ahead, guess! …Top row, second to the right. We look soooo similar — once you see it, you can’t unsee it! I know that all hams are special, but I feel like mine are really special. Well, I’m sure you get it.
Caleb, newborn, frozen.
You look disturbed. Why? Caleb is pink, wrinkly, and covered in a thin layer of slime, just like a newborn infant. Both are equally cute! Everyone loves sharing photos of newborns, and I love sharing photos of this little ham! It fills my heart with joy. You know what? Go ahead and keep this copy. No, really — take it! I have a million. Little hams are gifts from God, every last one of them. Don’t you agree?
Dorothea, dead.
This is Dorothea. I accidentally left her in a hot trunk on grocery day. I will never forgive myself.
Nico, 11, maple glazed.
How cute is this photo of little Nico? He’s such a jock. Here he is right before he scored the winning goal in his big soccer tournament, flipped off the other team, and ran around the field yelling, “Messi! Messi! Messi!” He’s not the most gracious winner, but we’re working on that. This is actually a screengrab from a video I took of the game. Why don’t you give me your email address and I’ll send you a Dropbox link to the video so you can watch the whole thing?
Ruby, 12, black forest.
Isn’t Ruby beautiful? Tell me she’s beautiful. It's extremely important to me because I’m having her do the whole pageant thing. I’ve been pulling her out of school early for rehearsals, and now she has no other skills except tap dancing. Would you like to come see her compete next Sunday?
