Pilot Transcript For HGTV’s “Playhouse Hunters”

Three property choices for a forced playdate.

Audrey Burges
Published in
4 min readNov 6, 2020


“How long did your mom say we had to stay outside?” (Image credit: Photo by Max Goncharov on Unsplash)

MADISON (to camera): We’re looking for a princess castle with at least eleventy-hundred rooms, a movie theater, and a bowling alley. And we really need to be close to mud, but not too close.

HOST (voiceover): Madison and Henry are relocating to Henry’s backyard to play nicely — despite their three-year age difference — while their moms, who met in a goat yoga class at a local craft brewery, snark over lattes.

MADISON: The mud’s ‘cuz I’m a grown-up with a grown-up job, which is baking magical cupcakes in this oven that my fairy godmother gave me. Would you like to buy one? They’re only one hundred dollars.

[Cut scene: MADISON chases cameraman with a Skechers shoebox filled with dirt and a burnt-out CFL lightbulb.]

HENRY: I am looking for a smelly mud cavern where we can eat pretend bugs because we are slime monsters.

HOST (voiceover): Realtor Bethany has her work cut out for her.

BETHANY (to camera): So, I have a really fun challenge here. It’s going to be hard to find a place that checks off both their must-haves, but I’m hearing that mud is on the list! I’ve tracked down three great properties. The budget is a little tough to pin down, though.

MADISON: I have two rocks, a jellybean, and Madame Lippy Lips. [Holds out an empty Chapstick tube with googly eyes and a disturbingly voluptuous mouth made of Fruit by the Foot]. She’s my best friend.

HENRY: And I got moneys. [Pulls strip of orange construction paper out of pants.] I got more than that. Where did it go? [Pulls down pants.]

HOST (voiceover): The first property is a half-collapsed cardboard box.

BETHANY: Now, I need you to keep an open mind, because I know this doesn’t scream “castle” from the outside. But it’s eco-friendly, easy to customize, and it has a completely open floor plan.

MADISON: Oh, it’s nice and shady.

BETHANY: Landscaping is a real plus for this property. The structure itself is a bit of a fixer-upper, but with some elbow grease —



Audrey Burges

Author, THE MINISCULE MANSION OF MYRA MALONE (Berkley 2023); work in McSweeney’s, Belladonna, Slackjaw, & elsewhere. Twitter: @audrey_burges; audreyburges.com.