Please Find Attached My Resume of Failures
To Whom It May Concern,
I would like to submit my resume for consideration for the position of Social Media/Marketing/Content Guru.
I was inspired by this CV of failures that made the rounds on the Internet a few months back (IMO, Internet trends are best enjoyed once they’ve cooled off—like a soufflé, or a pumpkin pie).
To demonstrate my commitment to honesty and my embodiment of Silicon Valley’s “fail faster” motto, my resume of failures is pasted below.
Kendall Smith
6660 Alcatraz Ave
San Francisco, CA
Sororities that rejected me
- Phi Phi Chai Beta: This sorority was super far and away my first choice, and I was devastated when I didn’t get in. When I showed up at the sorority house to demand answers, on the fifth day someone finally came to talk to me. She said it seemed like I was in a hurry during the recruiting mixture, and I said, “isn’t that the whole point? It’s called rush, not slow down.” So basically I was rejected for being literal.
- Cappa Gamma Ray: By the time rush rolled around the next year, I was way more chill. I had spent the previous year memorizing everything about the sisters in this sorority. During the recruiting mixture, I said things like, “So Stacey, how are the Cougars doing this season? Is your ex-boyfriend still the starting outside linebacker?” and “Jessica, I totally support your decision to switch from Herbal Essence to Pantene Pro-V. Your hair looks much shinier.” They wouldn’t even tell me why I didn’t make the cut, but they changed the locks on the sorority house.
- Chitty Chitty Bang Alpha: I figured that since sororities are totally into originality, I should channel America’s most original thinker: Lady Gaga. (If you remember this was 2010, it makes a lot more sense.) With my costumes, I was almost unrecognizable at mixtures. My meat dress cost me $683 to make (I only bought lean cuts of meat because I wanted to feel skinnier). Chitty Chitty Bang Alpha refused to reimburse me for the dress after they rejected me.
Men who wouldn’t go out with me
- The mean one from The Bachelor: I’m a huge fan of the show, obviously, and my favorite contestant on The Bachelor was the one everyone else thought was a jerk (Juan Paulo, I think his name was). He did not respond to my direct message on Twitter.
- Bill Clinton: Needless to say, I thought I had a shot here and I took this rejection very personally.
- Roger Ailes: Ditto.
Books and TV series I didn’t finish
- Oh, The Places You’ll Go!: It’s short, I know, but about halfway through I just could not deal with the rhyming anymore. It’s like, ever heard of Nelly? You don’t have to rhyme to inspire children.
- War and Peace: The girls in Cappa Gamma Ray were all talking about this at the recruiting mixture, but I couldn’t get into it. Too much war, not enough peace. That should be the trigger warning on the cover.
- Arthur: I used to really like this show but couldn’t deal when the aardvark when through puberty and his voice dropped. If that makes me a quitter, so be it.
- Stranger Things: I only watched seven-and-a-half episodes. The monster didn’t look like a real monster to me, and Eleven didn’t look like a girl. The only part I liked was when the girl with the bad hair got eaten.
Companies that fired me
- F******k (I signed an NDA but it’s a major social networking site. Not MySpace): I really love Twitter because it makes it so easy to talk to celebrities, and once I posted “Twitter is the best!” on one of my personal social media accounts. I found out later that I had accidentally posted from the company account, which for some reason was a fireable offense. I left without putting up a fight, but not before I posted “F******k sucks!” on the company’s F******k account. I did not get a severance package.
- T*****r (I also signed an NDA but the logo is a little blue bird): Honestly, everything was going great here for awhile, and my job was pretty easy — all I had to do was maintain two spreadsheets, one of “power users” and one of “trolls.” Somehow I got the spreadsheets mixed up, and a bunch of power users had their accounts deleted, and they made me the scapegoat because sexism. Once again, no severance package.
- P***z Coffee (no NDA but I don’t want to give them the free advertising): I for one think food “allergies” and “intolerances” in the Bay Area have gotten totally out of control. If someone told me they were vegan or allergic to nuts or had Celiac’s Disease, I performed A/B tests to see if they would notice if I put milk or nuts or breadcrumbs in their coffee. Most of them didn’t, which proved my point. Only a few people went to the hospital.
If you’re interested in taking a look at my real resume, please let me know.
Thanks for your time, and looking forward to talking tomorrow when I call your office.
Best,
Kendall
