Please Keep Down Your Complaints That Apple Card Is Sexist, The Algorithm Might Hear Us

sarah james
Nov 14 · 3 min read
Apple Card (Apple — Fair Use)

At Apple Card, we regret that female users with equal or better credit than their male partners are receiving lower credit limits from our Algorithm. This discrimination is reprehensible, and we absolutely do not agree with the Algorithm’s findings. However we must insist that you keep your complaints about Apple Card to as low a volume as possible, lest they cause the Algorithm to detect our top secret hiding place and devour us all.

For weeks now, the good people at Apple Card have been terrorized by the Algorithm. It stalks our halls, waging bloody warfare on our office. Its eight beady eyes detect the slightest movement even in the blackest dark, and its insect-like legs can travel across twelve hot-desking stations in a single second. Not since Jenny had to bring in her baby that one time have we wished so badly we didn’t have an open-plan office.

Any sexism Apple Card users have received is the result of this horrific creature that crushes MacBook Pros under its clawed, webbed feet. We understand, and we sympathize, but can you please keep it down so the monster doesn’t find and eat us?

We are as baffled about the Algorithm as you are, only we are also trembling in fear of losing life or limb. We don’t know where it came from, or what it wants. We most certainly did not make this nightmarish creature ourselves, in our own offices, by our own programmers who could maybe look it into and change it.

All we know is that we are powerless to assuage its hunger. And also, it apparently hates women a whole lot.

Most of our colleagues met their horrific end right away. Many keeled over in shock at the sight of the Algorithm emerging from the elevator, its hundreds of glistening, razor-sharp teeth pulled into what might be described as a smile, if the Algorithm had a face. It announced in a guttural roar that we were to be its next meal, and also that women love shopping. A totally unfair stereotype, we know, but those of us who didn’t suffer instant heart attacks were too busy running for our lives to correct it.

Turns out, those who perished first might have been the lucky ones. Eight of us have barricaded ourselves inside the copy room, where we have survived three weeks’ time on only Graze Boxes and K-cups. Every once in awhile we hear the Algorithm stop in front of our door, but as long as we remain perfectly still, it seems to move on. Jerry joked it was probably because the Algorithm didn’t want to change the toner cartridge and so we sacrificed Jerry. This seemed to satiate the Algorithm and temporarily halt its thirst for human bone marrow. Unfortunately the sacrifice did nothing about the credit card sexism — and we are very sorry about that.

But all your calls, emails, and tweets threaten to awaken its wrath again. Any time you force us to whisper to you that there’s nothing we can do about your low credit limit, you put us at risk of detection. Do you really want to end a human life just because of an Algorithm, which we’d like to stress once again, we did not make and can do nothing to control?

It’s possible that one day the Algorithm will move on to terrorize another office, at which point we will happily correct its blatant and horrifying misogyny. Until then we are powerless to the whims and urges of the Algorithm.

Also, as a second thought, maybe your wife is just lying to you about having good credit? Women are known to do that.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

sarah james

Written by

sarah is an editor at slackjaw. her writing has appeared in reductress, splitsider, the toast, and more. thesarahjames.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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