Please Keep Down Your Complaints That Apple Card Is Sexist, The Algorithm Might Hear Us
At Apple Card, we regret that female users with equal or better credit than their male partners are receiving lower credit limits from our Algorithm. This discrimination is reprehensible, and we absolutely do not agree with the Algorithm’s findings. However we must insist that you keep your complaints about Apple Card to as low a volume as possible, lest they cause the Algorithm to detect our top secret hiding place and devour us all.
For weeks now, the good people at Apple Card have been terrorized by the Algorithm. It stalks our halls, waging bloody warfare on our office. Its eight beady eyes detect the slightest movement even in the blackest dark, and its insect-like legs can travel across twelve hot-desking stations in a single second. Not since Jenny had to bring in her baby that one time have we wished so badly we didn’t have an open-plan office.
Any sexism Apple Card users have received is the result of this horrific creature that crushes MacBook Pros under its clawed, webbed feet. We understand, and we sympathize, but can you please keep it down so the monster doesn’t find and eat us?
We are as baffled about the Algorithm as you are, only we are also trembling in fear of losing life or limb. We don’t know where it came from, or what it…
