Prepare For Your Loan Payments To The Mafia To Restart
Your unceasing anxiety is set to resume on May 1.
Why did I receive this letter?
In response to the devastation wrought by the coronavirus pandemic, we automatically paused your loan payments. The Mafia has always placed a special focus on its borrowers, and not just when they were being targeted by semi-automatic weapons.
This payment freeze, also known as an administrative forbearance, applied to the following eligible loans:
- Consolidated Loans: Loans that were consolidated to make objectively reckless wagers at the Aqueduct Racetrack in Queens
- PLUS Loans: Loans with a vig so high they demand an all-caps modifier
- FEEL Loans: Loans to businesses that feel like a financial lifeline until we exploit their lines of credit and reduce their physical infrastructure to ashes
- Perkins Loans: Loans where the transfer of funds took place in the parking lot of a Perkins Restaurant & Bakery
Unfortunately, we are no longer able to extend this unprecedented loan relief to our borrowers. Our operating costs are extensive and our cased meats budget is considerable.
This letter serves as notice that your unceasing anxiety is set to resume on May 1, 2022. In the coming weeks, you should expect to hear from your loan service representative, Frankie “Quickbooks” Maggioli, who has a background in accounting and a penchant for prematurely escalating the status of an account.
What do I need to do?
Here are three steps you should take to make sure you are prepared for your loan payments to resume:
- Update your contact information on our website, crim.org. We will need to find you.
- Check out our loan simulator tool to watch a simulation of what will happen if your loan is not repaid in full.
- Consider an income-driven repayment plan. This is not an option, but it is nevertheless a nice thing to consider.
Once the payment pause ends, you can find updates about your loan by checking your dashboard. If your dashboard is covered in glass and there is a brick in your front seat, then one of the following is true: 1) your loan is past due, or 2) Frankie Quickbooks is being characteristically proactive.
Will my interest rate be the same?
No. Your interest rate will be recalculated based on the following factors:
- Credit score
- Size of your loan
- Pent-up aggression
- Whether the Knicks covered the spread
The Mafia suggests you immediately prepare for your interest rate to increase exponentially.
If you have questions about your interest rate, you can contact Frankie Quickbooks, who will respond to your query with extreme prejudice within 5 business days at a time when you least expect it.
How can I stay on track with my payments?
Beginning May 1, your recalculated interest rate will place you in a financial predicament that no amount of effort will be able to rectify.
You can, however, apply for forbearance by executing the following set of tasks:
- Meet Frankie Quickbooks at the Perkins just off the New Jersey Turnpike and pick up a duffel bag full of non-sequential bills
- Deliver the duffel bag to our friend on Rockaway Blvd. with the facial scar that looks like a linguine noodle
- Do not stare at the linguine scar when you explain to our friend why the money in the bag is only half of what Frankie Quickbooks owes him
What should I do if I fall behind on my payments?
When your loan falls into delinquency status, you should take the following steps:
- Go to healthcare.gov and survey the many affordable plans in the Health Insurance Marketplace.
- Find a plan that covers the types of surgeries you might need after being repeatedly contacted by a 34-inch Select Cut Maple C271 Louisville Slugger
- Pray
Learn more about serious bodily injury by going to our website or the physical therapy wing at St. Michael’s Medical Center in Newark.
If I lose the use of my limbs, will I qualify for loan forgiveness?
We suggest you direct your questions about forgiveness to a priest.
The Mafia is not in the business of granting cut-rate indulgences, which is why we have consistently overcharged our customers for olive oil, mink coats, and powder narcotics. We make an exception when it comes to the high calorie menu options at the various Perkins restaurants in which This Thing of Ours happens to have a stake. No one should have to pay above market value for a Big Country Sunrise Skillet.
Please prepare for your exorbitant payments, justifiable paranoia, and inescapable existential dread to resume soon. Over the past 2 years, no one has been better to you than the Mafia. But from here on out, no one is going to be worse.
