President Trump’s Big Ideas for the Military Appreciation Parade

An email from Hope Hicks to the Joint Chiefs.

Joint Chiefs,

Below please find DJT’s ideas (notes in italics) for the discussed military appreciation parade. Sorry it took so long to get back to you — we had to block off multiple days of Executive Time!

We’d like to use the disaster relief funding we saved in Puerto Rico to pay for this.



Title: The Great Appreciation for President Donald J. Trump and the Military Parade

Tag: The Biggest Military Parade in History!

Date: July 4th, 2018

Schedule of Events:

6am — 10am: A special presentation of Fox and Friends, ending with an interview of DJT in the Oval Office, showcasing The Button (we’ll need a big button).

11am: A short informational film on DJT’s life, his amazing company, vast wealth, and all the current promotional deals happening at Trump properties worldwide.

Noon: DJT to appear in military uniform outside the Capitol Building (bigger crowd than the inauguration, pls…) with a large pool of supporters, who will offer brief statements of praise and reassert DJT’s innocence re: the Russia allegations.

We’d love large painted posters of DJT to be hung in various places. Special commemorative campaign merchandise to be sold at half-price.

1:00pm: “We Don’t Kneel” (we’re working on the lyrics now) performed by 3 Doors Down before the national anthem. Anyone who kneels will be discreetly arrested (can we do this?).

1:15pm: Parade begins with a many, many jet flyover. (“Very loud, very fast, very big.”)

  • The most beautiful women (blond, in uniforms with gold accents) from all military branches start the march.
  • Followed by the biggest rockets, tanks, and trucks (can DJT sit in them?) that we have. All male servicemembers must be shorter than DJT.
  • DJT would like to pose in front of a lot of large things, but in such a way that he appears bigger.

2:45pm: DJT to survey the parade from above in Marine One, as to see the true size of the parade before the media distorts it. Sean Hannity to be his special guest/witness.

4:00pm: In the Rose Garden, a brief round of applause for DJT.

4:45pm: Applause ends, encore applause begins.

5:00pm: Sarah Huckabee Sanders addresses the media, presenting aerial photos of the parade and initial, earth-shattering ratings. Any who dispute her will have their credentials revoked.

7:00pm: An elegant reception at Trump International Hotel (tickets starting at $10,000, with a small discount for veterans). Dinner catered by KFC and McDonald’s. Unlimited scoops of ice cream for DJT.

9:00pm: The world’s longest and largest fireworks display (can we spell “MAGA” in the sky?).

11:00pm: DJT to Mar-a-Lago via AF1 from JBA for an extended weekend.

12:00am: Purge commences.