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Product Review: Standing Desk Starts Walking, Running, Getting Stronger

How a standing desk ruined my life.

Photo by Cameron Venti on Unsplash

Posted by: GeorgeOfTheFungle2000

Review: 2/5 stars

I purchased the UPSTAND X20 Standing Desk for my home office last Christmas. Like most other standing desks on the market, this desk has two buttons that can convert it from a sitting height to a standing height, which is great! My main complaint is that this standing desk has also started walking, running, and is growing stronger at an alarming rate.

The first couple of days were fine. I would use the “SIT’’ mode during the morning and then the “STAND” mode during the afternoon to avoid the post-lunch sleepies. After a few days, however, the desk refused to respond to the “SIT’’ button anymore. It would only stay in “STAND” mode. I figured I could probably use more standing time anyway, so I just decided to roll with it.

That’s when things started getting weird. I was on the other end of my office, rummaging through my file cabinet, when I heard a mechanical step from behind me. I turned around to see that the desk had taken one step in my direction. Like a giant, robotic toddler, it took several moments to think before it took its next step. Then it took another one. After about 5 minutes, the desk had successfully crossed the room to stand next to me. The power cord is apparently useless, as, from that moment onward, the desk began to follow me no matter where I went — inside the house and out.

While I can see how this feature would be helpful, it is NOT clear how to turn it off. The only two modes covered in the manual are “SIT” and “STAND.” There isn’t even a walk button, so I’m not sure how to prevent the desk from following me around. This feature is also very disruptive when it comes to certain situations (going to the bathroom; alone time with my wife). I have tried hiding from the desk, but it always finds me. I have tried outrunning the desk, but it is way too fast.

I know what you’re thinking: “Just get in a car and drive away.” If only it were that simple. After packing all of our belongings into my wife’s 2016 Volkswagen Jetta, we attempted to abandon the desk and our home entirely by speeding away. Driving down the road at 35 mph, I foolishly thought we had finally escaped. But when I looked in the rearview, there it was: my standing desk barreling down the road. We swerved onto the highway, but the desk only got faster. 70 mph. 80 mph. 90 mph. The next thing we knew, we had five state troopers and two police helicopters on our tail. But the desk didn’t care. It just kept charging down the asphalt, smashing through cars, determined to be reunited with its master at all costs.

One positive thing I can say about this desk is that it is very well-built. In fact, I would say it is built too well, as the troopers fired several rounds of ammunition at the desk that did absolutely nothing. The helicopters above us even started launching military-grade missiles at the desk. Not. Even. A. Scratch. This is something I would’ve been impressed by had the desk not been actively terrorizing me.

My life has basically been ruined by this standing desk, upon which I am typing this review from within my jail cell. This desk has pushed my friends and family away from me, destroyed most of my possessions, and also murdered several innocent people. I no longer have a shadow — I just have this giant, mechanical standing desk tethered to me for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t wish this curse on my worst enemy.

All of that being said, the desk’s surface is nice and spacious. The deep cabinets are also perfect for storing office supplies. If you’re looking for a large standing desk that will torment you for the rest of your days, this is the one for you.

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