Psilocybin Dosage Guide For Microdosing Mommies
Is being a Wine Mom making your head hurt? Trade your “It’s Wine-O-Clock Somewhere” wall clock in for a handful of hallucinogens and join the thousands who’ve become Mommies Who Microdose.
Get ready to end parental monotony, increase mental stamina, and enhance your mood. That’s right: Make three straight hours of peekaboo tolerable, be able to finally help with elementary school math homework, and stop having to imagine what life would have been like if you had never had children — all with the help of magic mushrooms and this companion Psilocybin dosage guide.
Micro: 0.05–0.25 grams (Mood enhancement, crisp concentration, increased mental stamina)
Your mind’s sharper; you know when they need a diaper change before they can even crap their pants. There’s no visceral stoned feeling — it just seems like the sun’s shining a little brighter today, even when people are staring because your toddler’s screaming on the floor of a Target.
Mini: 0.25–0.75 grams (Feeling stoned, visual enhancements, altered sound perception)
It may be the mild euphoria kicking in, but you realize the theme from Paw Patrol really slaps. And you’re finally able to enjoy bubbles with the same wonder as a two-year-old.
Medium: 0.5–1.5 grams (Colors become more vivid, distracted thought pattern, enhanced creativity)
You’ve commandeered the finger paints, and one thing is for sure — your first grader is going to get an A on her art project. What’s that, kiddo? This is for a history presentation? Tell your teacher to stop suppressing our artistic freedom!
Moderate: 2–3.5 grams (Mild hallucinations, distorted sense of time, warped kaleidoscopic visuals)
These are hitting harder than anticipated. Perhaps it’s mixing with all the “Mommy’s Little Helper” (Adderall) in your bloodstream. You call up Grammy to watch the kids, and she says she’ll be over in 15 minutes. Grammy arrives either one minute or three years later.
Mega: 3.5–5 grams (Heavy hallucinations, disconnect from reality, complete loss of time, out-of-body experiences)
Each shroom chocolate you ate was 0.5 grams, not the 0.05 grams you thought — the crisp concentration of microdosing would’ve come in handy earlier when you were portioning out microdoses. You wander alone into the night, crawl down a hole and attempt to parent an orphaned pack of coyotes.
Motherload: 5 grams+ (Ego death)
You enter the abstract, floating through a formless universe where you never have to attend multiple children’s birthday parties in a single day.
We cannot follow you on this journey; you must embark on the quest alone, and when you return a changed person — new neural pathways blazed — your kids will be there, complaining that they’re hungry.
We haven’t forgotten about the fellas. You too can join the ranks of the Fathers who Fungi. Psilocybin is effective on all parents. The only difference is the bar is set much lower to be considered a good dad.
Daddy Dose: 0.05–5 grams+
Your partner watches the kids while you go enjoy yourself. You’re doing great, dad!
