Putzing: An FAQ For New Dads
Putzing is the time-honored tradition of appearing to do something while actually doing nothing.
Q: What is putzing?
A: Putzing is the time-honored tradition of appearing to do something while actually doing nothing. Putzing is practiced almost exclusively by suburban American dads on Sundays between 7 a.m. and 3 p.m.
Q: How will I know when I’m ready to give putzing a try?
A: Some new dads find themselves putzing around the labor and delivery ward shortly after the birth of their first child. For others, it may take multiple children and several years before the biological imperative to putz takes hold.
Q: Where should I putz?
A: Every home is packed with putzable spaces — bathrooms, dens, decks, yards, driveways — but your Colosseum of Putz is and always will be the garage.
Q: What should I wear?
A: Putzer’s choice here, but most new dads go with lightly stained jeans, hoodie with a ripped front pocket, and shoes so old they’ve become slip-ons.
Q: Can I listen to something while I putz, like a podcast or music?
A: Of course. You have two options: reruns of Car Talk or The Guess Who’s Greatest Hits.
Q: The Guess Who’s Greatest Hits? What if I don’t like The Guess Who?
A: Sounds like you’re not quite ready to putz. Come back in a few years or after you have another kid.
Q: Wait! I’m ready, I want to give putzing a try! The minivan needs an oil change, can I do that? Is that putzing?
A: Of course not. You can pop the hood though, and jiggle the dipstick around of course. Oh, and when you drop the hood don’t forget to do that clapping/dust-off thing with your hands.
Q: What if I roll the lawnmower onto the driveway, tip it over on its side, then just sort of stare at the bottom of it for two hours. Is that putzing?
A: Are you holding a tool you have no intention of using?
Q: Like this Sawzall?
A: Perfect! You’re putzing! Nice work, new dad!
Q: Thanks! Can I sit down while I putz?
A: Sitting down while you putz is called “taking a load off” and is only allowable after you’ve run out of “gumption.”
Q: What if my wife interrupts me while I’m putzing?
A: Sing, “American woman, stay away from meee-he! American woman, mama let me beee-he!”
Q: Again with The Guess Who?
A: It helps if you thrust your crotch along with that killer guitar riff.
Q: You’re joking, right?
A: The Guess Who are an integral part of putzing and the most underrated American classic rock band of all time. No, I am not joking.
Q: Aren’t they from Canada?
A: You’re thinking of The Who, a common new dad mistake.
Q: Seriously, only The Guess Who’s Greatest Hits?
A: There was a time when putzers could listen to any album by The Guess Who (and really, they’re all greatest hits albums if you ask me) but yes, right now, only the 1999 release titled Greatest Hits.
Q: Who came up with these rules?
A: They aren’t rules so much as traditions passed down from one generation of dads to the next, starting with the Founding Fathers.
Q: The Founding Fathers?
A: Thomas Jefferson loved a good putz almost as much as he loved “These Eyes” by The Guess Who.
Q: That’s impossible! The Guess Who weren’t around. Classic rock wasn’t even around —
A: Funny. Next you’re going to tell me “American Woman” is about Abigail Adams and not Martha Washington.
Q: The United States was not founded by a bunch of putzers listening to The Guess Who.
A: Ever read the Bill of Rights? “Share the Land” and “Guns Guns Guns” were essential reference material for James Madison and he never missed a Sunday putz.
Q: Where’s the “No Sugar Tonight” amendment then?
A: You can see its influence in the 3rd amendment, but it depends on how you interpret it.
Q: Interpret the Constitution?
A: No, how you interpret “No Sugar Tonight.”
Q: This is ridiculous. I’m turning on Car Talk.
A: Ben Franklin loved Car Talk!
