QAnon Hires An Image Consultant
We can get you back on top as the purveyor of one of the most influential conspiracy theories in the world!
Dear Mr. Q,
Thank you for your email regarding our services at Pivot Your Life Personal Image Consulting. Our team is well known for creating new professional images that take our clients to the next level in confidence and success!
Your email was a bit cryptic, but you do mention that you feel your image, as Q, the thought leader of the QAnon conspiracy theory, has recently suffered a crisis of credibility due to current political events, namely the failed reelection bid of Donald Trump. No worries! We look forward to creating a personally tailored strategic action plan for you, Mr. Q, which will again get you back on top as the purveyor of one of the most influential conspiracy theories in the world!
When we begin work with a new client, we usually conduct an all-hands-on-deck staff Zoom call with the client, but because you say you’re a high-level military intelligence official who must remain undercover and can only communicate solely via encrypted email, that’s apparently out of the question. But no problem! We can pivot!
To get started, our staff did some quick Googling. Our initial assessment has determined that current QAnon imaging is based on these theories: 1) President Trump is secretly battling a global satanic cult of billionaire pedophiles, devil-worshipping Democrats, and baby-eating Hollywood stars who rule the world and also control everything via “Deep State” operatives embedded in the Federal Government’s bureaucracy, and, 2) the prediction that “The Storm,” arriving at some point in the near future, will sweep away the Deep State and imprison all the Democrats and Hollywood stars and pedophiles in Guantanamo, and after that, 3) a “Great Awakening” will bring us all into a new age of enlightenment and happiness and truth forever after.
Whew, talk about a credibility gap! We do see the need for a serious pivot, and we’re here to help.
Unfortunately, as a result of what our assessment revealed, many members of our team have expressed reluctance and even disgust at working on this project, due to feelings that QAnon is a “very whack conspiracy theory” with a large number of “crazy” followers. But we still have a few core members of our staff unafraid of working on a challenging imaging project, and they’ve been brainstorming. Here are some pivot possibilities!
Our first pivot concept regards your name, Q. Yes, we realize you’ve firmly established your branding the world over as this mysterious Q. But, we have to admit that Q is an odd-looking letter, what with its weird little toe sticking out. It’s not one of our favorite letters, that’s for sure. For a true image pivot, we suggest rebranding your name to leave all those negative associations to the dust bin of the Internet. Might we suggest a more friendly and familiar letter of the alphabet? How about “A” or “B”? Think of all the successful companies called AAA Moving and Storage. And remember in grade school when everyone lined up according to their name in the alphabet? Who didn’t want to be the first in line?
Secondly, your prediction of “The Storm” that will wash away the Deep State and jail all the Democrats and pedophiles is rather… how can we say this gently? It’s dark! Perhaps something more positive and gentle is needed, while still implying a thorough cleansing, as well as an image that will be more conducive to calming your acolytes and attracting new followers. We suggest “A Pleasant Spring Shower that Lasts an Hour.” How does that sound? It helps to say it out loud to yourself. Hear the gentle rhyme and imagine the soft pitter-patter of raindrops and visualize washing away the dust of your old image problem.
Now, “The Great Awakening” doesn’t sound quite as ominous as a storm, but it still doesn’t really project the wholesome image of positive change which people can be readily encouraged to get behind. Perhaps we can call it “The Great New Renaissance”? That builds off the significance of that well-known historical period after the Middle Ages, as well as the gentle atmosphere of a modern “Renaissance Faires” in a local park, which showcases chivalry, period costumes, flute music, and potpourri.
Anyhoo! Take a few minutes to consider our pivot suggestions and read over the enclosed contract and please sign our non-disclosure agreement. Also, we’d greatly appreciate it if you maybe not tell anyone you’re talking with us about an image pivot? It can be our little secret! We’d rather not have your crazy, heavily armed followers knocking on our door.
If you feel unhappy or even angry with our suggestions, take a few deep breaths and give yourself ten minutes before responding. No one likes to get a cranky email, especially from a conspiracy theorist with millions of dedicated followers willing to do crazy things with weapons!
We so look forward to hearing from you!
Yours in Life Pivoting,
The Staff
