Queer Eye: “The Adjunct Professor”
“The friction of your own body, running in between campuses, has worn this polyester material, made to outlast an apocalypse, to shreds?”
In the front seat of the Fab Five’s SUV, Jonathan Van Ness (grooming) flips his majestic hair as he reads from an incongruously plain binder. “Today we’re going to hang out with Tim, who teaches writing at North Carolina Western Appalachian State Polytechnic,” he says with far more enthusiasm than this fact merits. “He’s super educated, super caring, and he’s doing a lot of important work! But his girlfriend Janine says he hit a low point after he moved into his van.”
From the back seat, Antoni Porowski (food and wine) shouts, “Sounds like Tim needs to go from living in a van down by the river to embracing #vanlife!”
Tim’s girlfriend Janine sits on a sectional looking tired. She sighs and says into the camera, “I nominated Tim because since he finished grad school he’s really let himself go. There’s no shower in his van, because it’s a van. Also, there’s a small hive of bees living in his beard. They’re pretty tidy, but his face is always swollen from stings.”
Jonathan continues Janine’s account, using extreme and unwarranted euphemisms. “Janine says that Tim’s lack of self-care is limiting his opportunities and his confidence,” he reports. “She wants him to feel like himself, whether it’s at the dinner table or the interview desk. And she wants to move the bees out of his beard and into a sustainable organic farm. Cute!”
“Let me tell you something, we are going to move those bees out of Tim’s bonnet and out into the world!” Karamo Brown (culture) says, his face alight with the inspiration of a football movie coach. “It’s time for them to own their bee selves. They’re fantastic pollinators, they’re vital to our ecosystems, and they’re disappearing, y’all! Let’s get the bees out of that bonnet!”
The Fab Five shout as one in a rallying cry, “Bees out the bonnet!”
The Fab Five surprise Tim in his basement classroom at NCWASP. The sudden light from the cameras blinds Tim and he squints like an underground creature. “Hi, um, ‘Fab Five’? I’m sorry, are you here to observe my teaching?”
Bobby Berk (design) approaches Tim with caution, as if confronting a stray animal. “We’re here because Janine asked us to help turn your van from sad sack to love shack,” he says in his horse-whisperer voice. “So the teacher is playing hooky today, buddy!”
“Okay, I guess,” Tim replies, “Have you talked to the department chair about this? I only get one paid day off.”
Everyone is silent, except for Tim’s bees.
On the floor of Tim’s van, Tan France (fashion) rifles through a pile of clothes. “This is astounding!” he shouts, “Tim? Tim! I don’t mean to mock you, I genuinely want to know. How did you manage to get so many holes in this blazer?”
Tim shrugs. “I run between teaching gigs because gas is too expensive. I think it’s the friction?”
“The friction of your own body, running in between campuses, has worn this polyester material, made to outlast an apocalypse, to shreds?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“You’ll find that natural fibers help your body to breathe better,” Tan suggests as he smooths a shirt that reads “Phil’s Clam Shack 1995.” “That way, you’ll be cool and collected when you run from campus to campus across the highway.
“That sounds great,” Tim agrees, “It’s been a long time since I’ve felt any kind of airflow.”
Tim enters a trendy local salon with ill-concealed suspicion. When Jonathan asks if he’s ready to get all dolled up, Tim replies that all his recent haircuts have been from a kitchen knife. Face full of sympathy, Jonathan asks how Tim feels about losing the beard. “‘Cause I’ve got an apiarist right here,” Jonathan explains, “and he is ready to take these bees out of your bonnet and put them in a super-nice hive!”
After the apiarist removes the bees, Jonathan asks, “So, now that you are bee-free and ready to mingle, I’m thinking Jon Snow?”
Tim arrives back at his van with a trim beard and a man bun. His jeans are the correct size for his body. When he opens the door, he finds that Bobby has fitted in a double bed, complete with a headboard made of wood reclaimed from Tim’s doctoral diploma frame.
Later the Fab Five watch as Tim prepares dinner for his date with Janine. When Janine arrives, she collapses on the threshold in tears. In the absence of Tim’s bees, they kiss for the first time in months.
Tim’s van is so nice now, it’s almost like he makes a living wage.
