Quick! Your Aunt Is Calling — Can You Guess Which Member of Your Family Is Dead?

Rachel Paige
Nov 10, 2019 · 4 min read
Photo by Daria Nepriakhina on Unsplash

So you think you can tell when your Aunt is gearing up to become a harbinger of death? Take this quiz to see just how well you rank among those that have also been told about the passing of their Uncle in the middle of a graduation ceremony.

1. You’ve missed fourteen calls in two minutes, all from your Aunt, who refers to salad as “bunny grub”, leaves her nativity set up year-round, and whose favorite movie is The Muppets Take Manhattan. There are no texts, no voicemails, and no indication of why she would be so frantic to get in touch with you.

Who died?

a. Your Uncle’s elementary school gym teacher

b. A friend of an old neighbor you didn’t know existed until now

c. The owner of that Italian restaurant’s child son

d. Not sure, just saw a funeral procession on the highway and was curious for information

Feeling cheery? Give me five minutes and your ear, and we’ll see about that.

2. Happy Holidays! Your Aunt, dressed head-to-toe in argyle, just walked into your family’s home saying, “Well, aren’t we just lucky to be here.”

Whose death is she about to refer to?

a. Your high school classmate’s uncle

b. Your Aunt’s friend’s sister first husband, who used to nanny for the Kennedy’s

c. Your Mom’s first boyfriend’s second cousin, and champion American Kennel Club Dog Judge

d. Her best friend


3. Facebook alert! Your Aunt, who thinks Grey’s Anatomy is a reality show, just posted what appears to be a link to an obituary on your wall, and there are a few labels for graphic content.

Who died a death so disturbing Facebook considered it inappropriate to share with the general public?

a. Someone she saw on the news

b. A young girl or young boy, the woman telling her at the grocery store wasn’t sure

c. Nobody yet, but not if you keep vaping like that

d. Your old priest


4. Your Aunt, who just tried to get you to sign a petition to make the place where they dumped Bin Laden’s body a national landmark, is in minute fourteen of a coughing fit, and it doesn’t seem like she’ll be running out of steam anytime soon. She won’t let you leave to go until she finishes telling you about someone that big-time kicked the bucket.

Who the hell was it?

a. Your sister’s old classmate’s uncle (who went to high school with your mom)

b. A beautiful, smart, promising kid from the next town over

c. Your dad’s mom’s uncle’s uncle (parasite in eye that moved to his heart)

d. Your late dog’s favorite groomer

You won’t leave our interaction feeling good inside!

5. You’re at your great uncle Chuck’s funeral, and your Aunt has been preparing her morbid as hell speech since Chuck had his first heart murmur back in 2002. She’s brought up her box of Kleenex, a walking stick nobody has seen before, and a piñata full of death candies that she’s ready to bust out on this somber crowd.

Just how many deaths do you think she will sob-mumble her way through?

a. Sixteen and a half (one’s in critical condition)

b. Just one, but Jesus Christ it is a doozy (deaf and blind triplets)

c. Zero (instead she described her own funeral)

d. Four-thousand (she read the names of every person that died at Chernobyl, because “Uncle Chuck just loved the miniseries”)


6. It finally happened — your own funeral. Your Aunt is leading the service (the theme was “An Argyle Adventure”) and she is in the greatest shape of her life.

As she stands in front of the funeral parlor, BBQ sauce on her lip at a ceremony with no food in sight, what are the only words she is able to get out before she bursts into tears?

a. “It could have been anyone.”

b. “Why does death follow only me?”

c. “I’m exhausted.”

d. “Where’s the bunny grub?”

Congratulations! You’ve made it through the quiz, and if you picked “D” across the board, you know your grim reaper of an Aunt pretty darn well! Now hurry back outside to be sure your Grandma isn’t filling up the Easter eggs with her pills again!

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Rachel Paige

Written by

One time I won Sara Bareilles tickets and they were in the front row of the United Center (where the Bulls play!) and I knew only 3 songs but it was the best ni

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade