Quiz: Are You a Classicist, Romantic, or 78-Year-Old New Yorker Named Howie?

Put your aesthetic sensibility to the test!

Photo by WAYHome Studio from Shutterstock

1. What is your favorite season?
   A: Spring, because it evokes thoughts of birth.
   B: Fall, because it evokes thoughts of death.
   C: Summer, because a lot of the rich assholes go upstate.
2. Who is your favorite philosopher?
   A: Plato, who showed us the Forms.
   B: Nietzsche, who showed us ourselves.
   C: Louis. He’ll show you his scars from when he was on an iron lung if you ask him.
3. What is your favorite bird?
   A: Owls glide without a sound.
   B: Hungry sparrows sing the saddest songs.
   C: I saw a falcon in Central Park eat a pigeon once. But overall you have to admit the pigeons are winning.
4. What is your favorite flower?
   A: Sunflowers — their petals match the Fibonacci Sequence.
   B: Cherry-blossoms — their life is brief and glorious.
   C: I don’t know. Who gives a shit?
5. Who is your favorite poet?
   A: Virgil, a master of theme and form.
   B: Blake, a —
   C: Walt Clyde Frazier, the Knicks announcer. “Swishin’ and dishin’,” “boundin’ and astoundin’,” “postin’ and toastin’.”
6. What is your favorite time of day?
   A: Um, Dawn.
   B: Dusk, I guess.
   C: The Knicks looked okay for a minute but they’re back to being shitty. It’s not Kemba’s fault, though. He’s from the Bronx. Did you know that?
7. Who is your favorite composer?
   A: Bach.
   B: Wagner.
   C: To be perfectly honest with you, I hope those people who left during Covid never come back.
8. Who is your favorite —
   A:
   B:
   C: A lot of people left in the ’70s, too, ya know, because of the violence. I said the same thing back then. Who needs ‘em.
9. Can you let me finish the question?
   A:
   B:
   C: Sure, sure. Sorry.
10. What do you look for most in a partner?
    A: Intellect.
    B: Passion.
    C: What is the point of this, exactly? You’re from the census, right?
11. No, it’s just for fun. Can we proceed?
    A: Yes.
    B: Yes.
    C: This is fun? Oh. I didn’t realize we were having fun. Terrific. Go ahead.
12. Who is your favorite novelist?
    A: Cervantes.
    B: Brontë.
    C: I get it. They’re like professors, and the joke is I’m blue-collar and I say the wrong thing, huh? Very cute. Fuck you.

ANSWERS:

Mostly As: You’re a Classicist! You find beauty in logic, balance, and permanence.

Mostly Bs: You’re a Romantic! You find beauty in emotion, intensity, and change.

Mostly Cs: You’re a 78-Year-Old New Yorker Named Howie. You find beauty in New York City and nothing else. Your daughter moved to California three years ago and now she never calls. You refuse to admit how deeply this hurts you. Instead, you channel all of your pain into tirades about gentrification and the Knicks. You’re not wrong — both are terrible — but you’re not fully alive, either. You’re sleepwalking through the last few years of your life, and the only way to wake up is to get emotionally honest. So call Annie and tell her that you need her in your life. Chances are she needs you, too. Just do it, Howie. And, hey, apologize to the interviewer guy. He was only doing his job. Okay? Okay. Go Knicks.

More from Alex Connolly:

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