Quiz: Are You Gay?
Now that sexuality is more fluid than ever, it’s tough to know whether you’re actually gay or your close friends just get you rock hard. Well, good news, this quiz is here to finally answer your burning question: “Am I gay?”
1. Have you come out to your parents?
A) No — Go to question three
B) Yes — Go to question two
2. Hello gays, it’s me, a friend. I designed this quiz to be a secure space where we could gab without the straights/breeders interrupting. They’re always doing that, aren’t they? Okay, this question can’t be too long. They’ll get suspicious.
A) If you’re reading this and you’re straight — Woah, how’d you end up here? Be a good ally and go get an equal sign tattoo.
B) If you’re reading this and you’re gay — go to question four.
3. Have you been in a relationship with someone of the same sex?
A) No — Go to question five
B) Yes — Go to question four
4. Y’all, what is UP? We really should do this more often. Does anyone want to set up a listserv? Oohh, or a happy hour? Now that would be an absolute blast.
A) If you’re reading this and you’re straight — go paint a rainbow on your accent wall.
B) If you’re reading this and you’re gay — let’s revive the gay agenda! Go to question six.
5. Have you ever brought your same-sex partner home and introduced them to your family?
A) No — Go to question seven
B) Yes — Go to question six
6. Okay, not one more moment to tarry. First, what did we think of Pete Buttigieg? But more importantly, how many times did Chasten see Hamilton? Like, “Babe, the only way I can help the campaign is by taking your supporters to see Hamilton.” That’s some incredible shit right there.
A) If you’re reading this and you’re straight — you better be watching Queer Eye.
B) If you’re gay — Chasten should play King George, right? Go to question eight.
7. Have you ever planned a wedding with your same-sex partner?
A) No — go to question nine
B) Yes — go to question eight
8. Listen, I know I’m late to the party, but what is the deal with OnlyFans? Seems lucrative, tbh. Would y’all subscribe if I made one? While I’m not willing to try sex stuff, I am willing to take pictures with my shirt off. Would y’all pay for that?
A) If you’re straight — go pretend to like Troye Sivan
B) If you’re gay — make an OnlyFans! Go to question ten.
9. Have you ever been denied a job because of your sexuality?
A) No — Go to question eleven
B) Yes — Go to question ten
10. Okay, in Frozen 2, Elsa is super gay right? The scene where she’s by the fire with that woman, they’re, like, TOTALLY flirting. They need to kiss in the next one. For the community.
A) If you’re straight — go shop for pride apparel at Target
B) If you’re a Disney gay — work your magic! Let’s go to question twelve.
11. Are you not allowed to adopt from certain countries because of your sexuality?
A) No — go to question thirteen
B) Yes — go to question twelve
12. Listen up. I’m 100% positive that we are the only demographic watching award shows anymore. Let’s leverage that and get 👏 in 👏 the 👏 room 👏 sweetie. I mean, Reese Witherspoon and Beyonce became BEST FRIENDS at the Globes. That could be one of us. Extortion, bribery, kinky shit. Whatever it takes, gays.
A) If you’re straight — Watch Love, Simon until you “get it.”
B) If you’re gay — We’d even take a creative arts Emmy, right? OK. Let’s go to question fourteen.
13. Have you ever been bullied because of your same-sex partner?
A) No — go to answer one
B) Yes — go to question fourteen
14. Y’all. What’re we gonna do about Ellen? We heard she’s, like, viciously mean, yes? And now she’s BFFs with George Bush?? Never underestimate an older white woman’s ability to flip red. Next thing we know she’s gonna spend the weekend fracking with RuPaul. I know it’s a David v. Goliath situation, but I’m fielding suggestions on how to bring her down.
A) If you’re straight — convince your mom to stop watching Ellen. Go to answer one.
B) If you’re gay — When we eat the rich, we start with Ellen. Go to answer two.
Answer 1:
Damn. Turns out those boners are full of friendship and you’re not at all gay. But you are now officially recognized as an ally! Keep your head high and make sure to buy the rainbow Bud Light cans this June!
Answer 2:
Okay, that was a BLAST, you gays. Felt like a little sleepover to me. Truly anytime y’all want to talk, just hit me up on OnlyFans. Toodles.
