Quora Helps Me With My Father-In-Law’s Birthday

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a son-in-law.

Sebastián Hernández
Apr 18 · 4 min read
Cred. Emma Bezilla and https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-holding-his-face-23180/ Image Copyright: Quora (Fair Use)

The following is a transcript of questions I asked Quora under the topic “Fathers-in-Law.” I offer this in case someone else might find themself in a similar situation.

Question: My father-in-law’s birthday is coming up and I’m not sure what to get him. My wife said she doesn’t want to get involved. He’s currently living with us but isn’t very talkative. He’s really into the movie Goodfellas. That’s all I really know. What should I get him?

Answer from Rick: What I would do is go into his room when he isn’t around. You can find out a lot about a person by what they have in their room.

Question: I tried to get into my father-in-law’s room, but it’s locked. I tried all of my keys, but none worked. He’s a rather private person, I guess. He still likes Goodfellas. Any ideas of what I should get him for his birthday?

Answer from Kyle: I think the issue is that you haven’t spent enough time with the man. He’s a person, and he has likes and feelings past a surface-level knowledge of one movie. You might take a drive to get to know him and see him as not just your father-in-law but as a human being. Or you could just get him a copy of the movie Goodfellas. Take your pick.

Question: I took your advice, Quora. I got to know my father-in-law better by taking a drive with him and he proceeded to talk for the entire four hours about the movie Goodfellas. I wasn’t able to get a word in edgewise. Apparently, he watches it every night, so I also can’t just buy him a copy of the movie. I still don’t know what to get him.

Answer from Harvey: Maybe you could just get him another Scorsese movie? Has he seen Casino?

Question: I took another drive with my father-in-law. After he spoke for a full 30 minutes about the movie Goodfellas, I asked him about the movie Casino. He immediately parked the car on the shoulder of the highway, took the keys, and began walking home. I tried to follow him, but he was too fast. The entire walk back I could hear him yelling about “lesser Scorsese,” which, if I understood his words over the commuter traffic, was every other Scorsese movie. I still don’t know what to get him for his birthday.

Answer from Bill: Maybe you should start by apologizing?

Question: I apologized profusely to my father-in-law for bringing up Casino while he was discussing Goodfellas, but he went on to my wife’s and my shared Amazon account and ordered a bullet personally addressed to me. Now he’s bought me a gift, but I still have nothing for him. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid.

Answer from Rufus: Maybe just get him some Goodfellas memorabilia?

Question: Today was my father-in-law’s birthday. I planned him a party. My wife did not attend. After cutting the cake, I offered my gift to him, a framed vintage poster from the movie Goodfellas. He was so touched that he asked me to hang it in his room, which I had never been in since he moved in. He completely transformed the room into a recreation of the Copacabana from the movie Goodfellas except that the walls were covered in posters from the movie. He said, “lay it down there” alongside the pile of 30 other posters exactly like the one I bought him. He then asked me to take a seat. I obliged. Then he asked me if I wanted to see something funny. I said alright. Then he said, “Just look in the mirror.” I said feigned chuckling and said that was a good one and that he was a funny guy. He asked, “Funny how,” when I realized he had led me into a trap. He proceeded to quote the remainder of Goodfellas at me, including the extended scene with the song “Layla” which he played note for note on air guitar. After reciting the entirety of the credits, he bowed and thanked me for the lovely birthday. I said it was my pleasure, and he said, “You talkin’ to me?” I said that’s from Taxi Driver, not Goodfellas, and he kicked me out of my own house and put the deed in a big pot filled with spaghetti sauce. So I’ll say this was not super successful.

Anyway, my wife’s birthday is next month, and I don’t want a repeat of this. I don’t know what to get her. All I know is she likes The Wolf of Wall Street. Any ideas of what to get her?

Answer from Francis: Have you thought about getting a divorce?

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