Ranking TV’s Hottest Unseen Characters In Terms Of Their Physical Beauty
Maris Crane, Frasier — This socialite’s obsessively slender frame may have played in the 90s, but in today’s booty-obsessed world, her lack of curves kill any dreams of Instagram fame. That’s a shame because her narcissistic personality and love of plastic surgery are an otherwise perfect match for the vapid echo chamber that is social media. Still, she’s not without flaws — her exceedingly pale skin could benefit from a bronzer, and we must deduct points for the slight webbing in her fingers. But these problems are fixable, and Crane has the cash to make miracles happen. She may be behind the times, but old money never goes out of style. Is there anything hotter than a blue-blooded urinal cake heiress? Seven unseen stars out of ten.
Ugly Naked Guy, Friends — Don’t let the name fool you, the Ugly Naked Guy has a lot going for him. There’s nothing sexier than confidence, particularly from a man who doesn’t meet society’s expectation of beauty. It takes a true alpha to lounge naked with the curtains open even though his unit (no pun intended) faces a sea of high-rise buildings. His hefty frame may not work for everyone, but we’d swipe right for that voluptuous dad bod. His only flaw is his hermit lifestyle. With a personality so bold, we’d love to take this naked champ out for a night on the town. Seven unseen stars out of ten.
Bob Sacamano, Seinfeld — Like his pal Kramer, Sacamano is dripping with the kavorka, described loosely as the lure of the animal. This comes as no surprise from a man who eats horsemeat and once survived a bout of rabies. Sacamano’s hijinks could prove tiresome emotionally, but his non-stop adventures have clearly toned his body; he wears the same size pants as Kramer, indicating that he too has the legs of a “taut preteen Swedish boy.” Plus, if Seinfeld and Costanza are any indication, Kramer only hangs out with the pretty boys, thus confirming that Sacamano is clearly sponge-worthy. Eight unseen stars out of ten.
Mrs. Wolowitz, The Big Bang Theory — Her New Jersey accent may be grating, but beneath the hoarse cries are notes of love. It takes a special woman to put up with a man-child of a son who needs to be investigated by the sex crimes unit. Not only does the elder Wolowitz ignore these transgressions, but she cooks and cleans for her perverted son. There’s something alluring about a woman who will overlook a few felonies in the name of love. Still, we must deduct points for her season eight death. Necrophiliacs will cry foul, but we can’t get past the smell. Eight unseen stars out of ten.
Stan Walker, Will & Grace — Walker’s shady business practices landed him a stint in jail, carving a bad boy image that can’t help but turn us on. A larger than average man, Walker tips the scales somewhere between 300 and 700 pounds. While there are concerns for his health, adding half a grapefruit to his breakfast of two poached deer is a good start. We could do without the unwashed toupee, but the millions (billions?) of dollars in his pocket has a funny way of making us overlook any perceived flaws. Last we heard he faked his death and entered the witness protection program. Like that perfect porn video we once saw, we’d do anything to find him again. Nine unseen stars out of ten.
Vera Peterson, Cheers — Peterson is undoubtedly the perfect wife. How many women would put up with a husband who lives at a bar, while cracking endless jokes at her expense? Sure, she calls after her husband a bit too often, but we take that as a sign of her indefatigable sex drive. Clearly, she wishes husband Norm were sitting on her face instead of his barstool. We can’t take Norm’s wisecracks about his wife’s looks seriously. A stud like George Wendt could land a babe at least as hot as co-star Rhea Perlman. Thus, it goes without saying that Peterson is TV’s hottest unseen star. Ten unseen stars out of ten.
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