Realistically Renewed Vows, Four Years After Our Wedding

I solemnly swear to try to block out how loudly you chew.

Nikki Campo
Slackjaw

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Illustration by Emily Clouse

It is with sincere ambivalence that I re-pledge my love and commitment to you today, four contiguous years after we first said: “I do.”

You’re my best friend, confidant, and person who takes out the trash only if I ask. Together we have created a family of four, and remember when we were thinking five? God.

We’re here today, outdoors — even though it’s 90 degrees in the shade and someone insisted on formalwear — and our union is stronger than ever. Our hearts beat as one. Sometimes, they literally beat as one no matter how many times I elbow you off my pillow so I can get airflow to my face.

Even so, I still love you more than words can say. Which explains why sometimes when you ask me why I’m “making the lecture face again,” I don’t say any words at all until I’m at the wine bar with my girlfriends on Wednesday nights at 7:30 PM, sharp.

As we now know, a loving relationship does not exist in a vacuum. Nor does a dusty room vacuum itself. All the same, I’d be happier to do all of the vacuuming if you could just round up the trash from upstairs rather than take what’s in the main receptacle out to the curb on Tuesdays.

Our friends first showed us how to love, helped us grow, and hooked us up on a pretty mediocre trivia…

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Nikki Campo
Slackjaw

Essays and humor. The New York Times, The Washington Post, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Good Housekeeping, The Belladonna, Slackjaw. Twitter: @nikkicampo.