Reality Dating Shows Are Never Going Away, So Here Are My Pitches
Don’t change the premise, just make it weird.
Good morning, Television Executives. I’m thrilled to be here pitching my reality dating shows. To be honest, I thought this genre was winding down. How many iterations of hot singles stuck in a big fancy house can we take? But then I saw the Netflix trailer for “Sexy Beasts,” a show where people don intricate animal heads and go on dates. I realized two things. One, the dating show will never die. And two, you’ll throw money at pretty much anything. So sit back, relax and enjoy my brilliant ideas.
Sexy Ghosties
If shows like “Love is Blind” and “Sexy Beasts,” teach us anything, it’s that contestants on dating shows are incredibly selfless. They care more about what’s on the inside than the outside. In “Sexy Ghosties,” potential matches cover themselves in sheets with holes for the eyes (you’ll love the costume budget for this one). Then they go out on the town. If they like each other’s personalities, they will dramatically whip off the ghost sheet and reveal their human forms. Like all blind dating shows, we will only cast traditionally hot people, because God forbid a hot ghostie winds up with a meh ghostie.
Love Library
Audiences love to see attractive people on islands, especially if those people are naked, tanned and toned. But what about extremely clothed people in libraries? I believe there is an untapped market for this sort of thing, especially among the ‘studious college student pulling all-nighters in the library of a New England liberal arts college in the dead of winter’ demographic. Feast your eyes on twelve brainy singles as they discuss everything from Hemingway to Herodotus, all while bundled in three to ten sweaters. Icebreaker questions range from “How many library cards do you own?” to “Who’s your favorite Modernist woman writer from 1937?”
Handyman Blues
They’re scruffy, they’re strong, and they’re packing — tools, that is. Watch as ten hunky handymen compete for an affair with one unhappily married woman. They’ll fix her squeaky cabinets, repair that old ceiling fan and maybe, just maybe fix the hole in her heart. Oh look, here’s a handyman screwing — a bolt. Where’s the drama, you ask? Remember, we’re setting the whole show in this woman’s house, which means her husband could come home at any time! If you love innuendos and/or home improvement, this is the show for you.
Love in Space
If Average Joes like Jeff Bezos are heading to space, then it won’t be long before Netflix launches its own spaceship — full of single people ready to mingle, of course. Tune in as these lovers look down at the majesty of our blue planet and ask the big questions: What is the meaning of life? Why are we here? Is Jessica really the one, or should I maybe try my luck down there on that planet of 7.6 billion people? And here’s the catch — contestants who don’t receive a freeze-dried ice cream sandwich (our equivalent of “The Bachelor’s” rose) will be packed into a spacesuit and flung into space.
Porta John Juan
If this year has taught us anything, it’s that small spaces are great for really getting to know your SO. In Porta John Juan (a clever combination of Don Juan and Porta John — you’re welcome), the premise is simple. Two people walk into a porta potty together. The longer they stay in the porta potty, the more points they get. But the real treasure is the time these lovebirds get to spend together. Who knows, maybe they’ll realize they’re a match made in heaven (if heaven were a sweaty poop box). To heighten the stakes, the porta potties will be transferred directly from the Daytona 500.
I hope you’ve enjoyed my pitch presentation. Please help yourselves to the freeze-dried ice cream sandwiches and the urinal cakes. Since you’ve created the likes of “Sexy Beasts,” a show where in one sequence, a scarecrow-man goes on a date with a dolphin-woman, I know my pitches are the right fit for you. Let’s go make some quality TV.
