Regular Shampoo Is OUT and Apple Cider Vinegar and Baking Soda Shampoo is IN

Maggie Lalley
Jul 2 · 3 min read
Photo by Irene Dávila on Unsplash

Because why smell like a garden when you can smell like a garden SALAD?

Pantene Pro-V? More like Pantene Killing-Me! Let’s face it people. Regular shampoo companies are on a mission to destroy our heads. When I lather up my dirty noggin with Pantene, or any store bought shampoo for that matter, my dainty follicles get addicted to that garden goo. If I don’t wash every day, it’s as though some buttery lubricant demon has doused my center part with vegemite. I refuse to spend money on a product that turns my tresses into damaged junkies desperate for their next hit of poisonous poo! From the stress alone, my hair has fallen out in sleek clumps and coated the shower wall, often in the shape of a pentagram.

Which is why you should STOP using mainstream shampoos, and START using the extremely unpopular and evidently off-kilter concoction of…

Apple Cider Vinegar and Baking Soda Shampoo! So you can smell and feel…

like a salad!

Here’s how it works:

To master this hair recipe, you first must lose all of your dignity. (And subsequently most of your friends.) Remember, this hair regime is a radical move to the left. You’ll no longer be able to sleep at a friend’s house and casually borrow their convenient, albeit sinister bottle of Garnier or Sauve. You may, on the other hand, raid their fridge and/or pantry at twilight in the hopes of finding more sustenance for your scalp. But alas, you won’t get to feel like a good-smelling person on the hunt for relatable shine. You’ll feel more like a wild animal with a ravenous appetite for detox. Let go of the lie that is America’s Next Top Model and embrace the truth that is Naked and Afraid.

To continue mastering this purification transition, you must buy a mom’s hoarding- level supply of Apple Cider Vinegar at your local health food store. If the store clerk smirks or raises a drawn-on eyebrow, say, “Look lady, I’m having a salad party.” Then, drag your raggedy head to the grocery store, and buy a separate lifetime supply of baking soda. If the store clerk bats a condescending eye, say, “My fridge smells like a fresh carcass, sir! I need the damn soda.”

This new life of bare bones routine still too bizarro for you? I figured. If it helps, remember that Apple Cider Vinegar and Baking Soda have a ton of other healing properties.

Apple Cider Vinegar can

  • Heal your rusty organs via oral consumption.
  • End the lives of bacteria living on your face and lips.
  • Improve the scent and taste of a leaf.
  • Murder yeast!

WHY WOULDN’T YOU PUT THAT POTENT SALAD DRESSING/ALL POWERFUL EXILIR IN YOUR HAIR?

And now, the benefits of baking soda!

Baking Soda can

  • Exfoliate the layer of dead epidermis on your face.
  • Remove even more deceased epidermis from your limbs and torso.
  • Make your fridge smell positively neutral.
  • Clean the dust bunnies off your teeth.

WHY WOULDN’T YOU PUT THAT COCAINE-LOOKING POWER POWDER IN YOUR HAIR?

Oh, and let’s not forget the ultimate use of the Apple Cider Vinegar-Baking Soda combination. It’s the recipe for science fair volcano lava. But screw that! It’s time to make your own magma! Here are the steps to a better head!

1. Get in the shower.

2. Pour a handful of Baking Soda into your palm and pour some Apple Cider Vinegar on top of it.

3. Watch it sizzle and overflow onto your shower floor.

4. Quick! Mix together what’s left and scrub your scalp.

5. Lather, lather, lather until you’re squeaky clean.

And BAM, you’re done! And BAM, you’ll only have to wash your hair once a week! And, BAM, you won’t have to spend outrageous prices on mass produced chemical potions that are essentially killing you! And BAM, you’re going to smell like an appetizer! But BAM, isn’t it worth it? Yes it is, you healthy, vinegary, exfoliated, pungent creature, you. Now, until next week’s volcanic eruption. Go comb that pristine salad hair!

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Maggie Lalley

Written by

Comedian. @magslals on insta and Twitter The Belladonna Comedy, Little Old Lady, McSweeney’s, Pickle Fork, Lady Pieces, and The Junction.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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