REI Has Everything You Need For Your Dramatic Soul-Searching Solo Hiking Trip!

Michelle Spies
Aug 29 · 3 min read
Photo by Jake Melara on Unsplash

A long solo hiking trip is no easy undertaking, especially when you have to force yourself into some sort of life-changing emotional transformation. Simply venturing alone into a thick Appalachian brush or across a hilly Scottish pasture is usually enough to heal your psychological wounds and unveil a deeper hidden purpose, but it also requires a lot of preparation.

Fortunately, REI has absolutely everything you’ll ever need to embark on your solo hiking trip that will somehow reveal your life’s true purpose to you!

Before you begin repairing your emotional damage alone in the wilderness, stop by one of our 154 convenient locations. Our knowledgeable staff is standing by to help, whether you’ve experienced a radical shift in your priorities in the wake of the dissolution of your marriage, you’re hoping to untangle the causes behind your fraught relationship with your mother who recently succumbed to lung cancer, or you graduated from an ivy league college only to realize money and status mean nothing to you.

In our camping department, for just $489.95 you’ll find Marmot Limestone 6P Tents you can struggle to assemble because even though you’re not an experienced hiker or camper you have to do this trip to show everyone, but mostly yourself, that you don’t need anyone’s pity now that you’re alone. Just $15 more gets you an all purpose tarp to lay out while you convince yourself that you have no regrets about just up and quitting shortly after you were promoted to partner at Clifton & Stanfield upon realizing you now had everything you thought you wanted and still weren’t happy!

You’ll most likely receive a minor injury on the trail due to ineptitude or carelessness and then have an emotional breakdown that’s really fueled by your backed up frustrations that inspired this solitary trip in the first place, but don’t worry! We’ve got first aid kits, complete with fabric bandages and two rolls of 2 x 2 inch sterile gauze dressing you will probably apply incorrectly.

And of course there’s no better place to get lost in a vivid flashback of the argument you had with your estranged older sister Kim or of your recent downward spiral into self-medicating and meaningless sex with a series of strangers you met at local bars than inside your waterproof, down-filled North Face sleeping bag.

Whatever it is you plan to stuff into an improperly packed bag and then pull out at a trail bend to stare at pensively, our backpacking packs starting at $68.93 are equipped with plenty of additional storage pockets. Some are small enough to fit a wallet-sized photograph of the whole happy family the Thanksgiving before the accident, and some are even large enough to fit the sweater that still smells like Brian.

What’s more, our wide selection of cozy REI Co-Op outerwear will keep you nice and warm as you have your long-awaited epiphany about no longer being the person you used to be while gazing down at your own weathered reflection in the placid waters of a still mountain spring.

There’s truly nothing we can’t supply you with for your journey into raw, unfiltered nature to strip yourself of your emotional weights and material possessions in order to learn who you truly are, so stop into your local REI today! Your entire purchase 10% off if you can prove you are currently experiencing a mid-life crisis.

And if on your dramatic soul-searching solo hiking trip you end up deciding you want to leave the corporate world and just surround yourself with the things that make you truly happy, like Coleman 2-burner grills or Black Diamond headlamps available in 4 colors, we are currently hiring seasonal sales specialists at our Brookfield, IL and Santa Monica, CA locations. Visit our website for more information.

Best of luck on your journey to have the harsh, unforgiving wild inexplicably tie up each of your multitude of personal issues with a neat little bow! We’ll see you soon.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Michelle Spies

Written by

Chicago-based. CONTRIBUTOR: The Onion, Clickhole. FREELANCE: Onion Labs. Other: Botnik Studios, Mcsweeneys. TWEETER: @spies_please | www.michellespies.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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