Relax In Our Fragile Airbnb

Just don’t touch any of our expensive, easily broken decor

Licensed from Shutterstock Images

Namaste and aloha. We are Dylan Stratocaster and Marlowe Lovebreeze, the suspiciously attractive owners of Olocan, the vaguely indigenous-sounding name of our rental property in Joshua Tree, California.

Now that you’re here, it’s time to relax. Smell the air. Breathe the sun. Pick the dust from your teeth. You are about to experience the unique solitude of the California desert, with only the cactus, the wind, and the other hastily built rental properties around you.

The desert is a place of fragile beauty. The same is true of Olocan. While you’re here, forget your worries, and leave your troubles behind. Worry instead about the troubles you’ll have for breaking any of the elaborate rules for staying at our pricey and delicate property.

We hope you didn’t have trouble finding the place on the unmarked dirt roads. This formerly barren scrub-land next to an industrial park was only developed last month, to take advantage of the area’s fleeting popularity as a place that looks better on Instagram than it does in real life.

We constructed Olocan with love, good vibes, and no intention of living there. But we are definitely real people, and not a stock photo chosen by a marketing company. We don’t want you to think of the following list of rules as an onerous and upsetting legal trap, but as a mellow and folksy request from your new friends, Dylan and Marlowe.

Olocan is more than a place. It’s a spirit, an energy, a way of slowing down, especially when you risk brushing against the priceless, spindly sculptures that fill the house. We also advise you not to leave any drinks near the sculptures, as they’re made from an oatmeal paste that will dissolve if it absorbs any moisture through the air, causing an astronomical replacement charge to appear on your bill.

Pets are not allowed at Olocan. Children either. Also people who are anxious, move quickly, or gesticulate when they talk. If you must laugh, please do so outside.

The front door lock is a highly sensitive model that requires several passcodes, and reacts to any incorrect sequence by sealing shut for 24 hours. Don’t call us for help until the 24 hours…