Relax, You’re At A Casual American Eatery
‘Git on in here already!
Feeling hungry? Feeling hangry? Get inside our cozy, casual, all-American eatery and leave your worries behind!
You don’t need to bring anything. Just your appetite! You certainly don’t need that tie. In fact, look, we already cut it off and hung it up on our wall. Isn’t that fun? We cut off your belt, too. And we’ve preemptively let out the waist on your pants. Don’t ask us how. You don’t want to know!
Get on in here and feel right at home. Where no one minds if you chew loudly with your mouth open. Or, while you chew, if your small terrier obsessively licks the same spot in-between your sockless toes. Slurp, slurp, slurp, smack, slurp.
Come hungry. Come famished. Come starving from weeks spent in a lightless, unventilated room, sustaining yourself on nothing but the dirt from underneath your own fingernails. Come utterly unrecognizable both physically and mentally. Just, as mama says, COME ON IN!
It’s all good in this neighborhood! You can relax and let your hair down. You can let it fall out in clumps as you hover over our other patron’s plates and go “Ooooooo.” You can let it find a new home in their crab cakes.
Please, stop stressing! Take a load off. Take it easy. Take it sleazy. Take heaping handfuls of food directly from our salad bar with your bare, Band-Aid-laden fingers. Take what’s yours.
Here, we treat you like family. We give you down-home cookin’ any time of day. We love you unconditionally despite your recent behavior. We constantly make excuses for you. We continue to love you even though you openly despise and mock us. We’ve purchased a burial plot for you right next to our own.
Under this roof, we don’t take anything seriously. Except fun! But certainly not restraining orders or court mandates. We want you to have fun your way. Whether that means extra fried ravioli appetizers or systematically ruining our cheerful hostess’s life through a series of taunts, lies, misgivings, tax fraud, slander, and outright doxing. Trust us, it says so on the back of our menu!
Need something from our friendly staff? Don’t hesitate to ask. Also don’t hesitate to shout it directly in our faces, purposefully spitting by emphasizing the “sp” in “spoon” and elongating the “h” in “hhhhanger steak” so we can experience the full bouquet of your digestive tract.
We run our family-owned kitchen by one simple rule, “If you ain’t happy, ain’t no-one happy!” You can see it for yourself carved on charming wooden signs on our walls. Or drunkenly tattooed by hypodermic needles dipped in water mixed with cigarette ash on the backs of our necks. Or scrawled incoherently over and over and over again in the leather-bound notebooks we keep stacked overflowing in every drawer and piled under every table.
Seriously, stop grinding your teeth and plop yourself down in one of our comfy booths. We don’t mind if you stay all night! Or sleep here indefinitely. We don’t care if you lie here so long that your open sores begin to scab over our vinyl-covered cushions as you become one with the booth itself. We love having you!
Did we mention that every Wednesday kids eat free? They don’t even have to be your kids. Or kids at all. Or humans, honestly. Sure, they can be cats. Or realistic dolls. Or a possum you’re not sure is just playing dead or actually dead. At our place, everyone eats!
Why are you still outside? Get your keister in here, meister! There’s nothing left for you out there. All your friends have abandoned you. You’re unemployable and unloved. And you’re being hunted by something you can only catch glimpses of in your periphery.
But in our cozy, family-owned, all-American dining experience, you can let down your guard, unclench your fists, take off your homemade armor, unset the bevy of traps you’ve assembled around your person and finally, blissfully, relax!
