How I would rename the holiday seasons

You think you know about holidays. You know nothing.

Smash the paradigm! It’s time. The old labels are out. No longer are we held to the old ways of thinking. Behold the new names for the true human seasons.

Formerly: Winter (post-holiday)

Time frame: January–Frebrurary

Now: Fuck this shit. I’m out.

Rationale: Up. To. Here.

Formerly: Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

Time frame: Mid January

Now: We get another holiday already?

Rationale: Void in Arizona

Formerly: Valentine time

Time frame: Mid-Frebrurary

Now: Can we get this over with?

Rationale: What, again? Already?

Formerly: Presidents Day

Time frame: Nobody is sure

Now: Lame excuse to advertise to you day

Rationale: Why?

Formerly: Awards season

Time frame: Early January–early March

Now: What are the pretty people protesting this time?

Rationale: Feeble gestures placate outsize egos? It’s an honor just to be nominated / I don’t do it for the awards / I got into art so I didn’t have to compete

Formerly: St. Patrick’s celebrationnnnnnnn!!!

Time Frame: Early-to-mid March

Now: It’s still fucking winter, you day-drunk sots

Rationale: You’re also not Irish.

Formerly: Springtime!

Time Frame: Mid-to-late March

Now: Spring was actually spring when I was young

Rationale: Desperation does not equal living up to the hype.

Formerly: April fools!

Time Frame: Early April

Now: You’re not clever, fool

Rationale: Your social media posts are lame.

Formerly: April showers

Time Frame: Mid-to-late April

Now: There better be some really great flowers coming

Rationale: This can only end in disappointment.

Formerly: May Day

Time Frame: Early May

Now: Childhood humiliation revisited

Rationale: She didn’t care.

Formerly: Mother’s Day

Time Frame: Mid May

Now: She’s not my mother’s day

Rationale: She’s not.

Formerly: May Flowers

Time Frame: Mid-to-late May

Now: The colors aren’t helping

Rationale: Flowers are overrated; people have allergies, and horrible (formerly) May Day memories.

Formerly: Memorial Day weekend

Time Frame: Late May

Now: Everything’s booked; I’m not driving in this weekend

Rationale: You didn’t book a getaway in time. But hey, let’s do a staycation. Again.

Formerly: Not quite summer

Time Frame: Early-to-mid June

Now: Stress knots and FOMO

Rationale: You didn’t make summer camp plans for the kids, did you? And for the youn ‘uns: Finals!

Formerly: Father’s Day

Time Frame: Late June

Now: Do we have to do this?

Rationale: Dad’s tired.

Formerly: 4th of July

Time Frame: Early July

Now: Darwin awards season

Rationale: Who blew their municipal budget and/or blew off an appendage?

Formerly: Late summer vacations

Time Frame: July–August

Now: You’ve lived your life all wrong if you’re working

Rationale: It’s true. You are more alone than you know.

Formerly: Labor Day weekend

Time Frame: Early September

Now: Everything’s booked; I’m not driving in this weekend

Rationale: You didn’t book a getaway in time. But hey, let’s do a staycation. Again.

Formerly: Footmas© season

Time Frame: Early September–January

Now: Brain damage & greed season

Rationale: What used to be Christmas for adult males is now an exercise in looking the other way for the sake of not having to engage with your family.

Formerly: Harvest season

Time Frame: Early September–October

Now: Plaid flannel season

Rationale: If you say “pumpkin spice,” I’ll …

Formerly: Halloween season

Time Frame: Late September–October

Now: I told you not to buy candy this early

Rationale: Diets don’t last forever.

Formerly: Veteran’s Day

Time Frame: November 11ish

Now: Who do we know that’s a veteran and what can we say?

Rationale: Do feeble gestures do more harm than good?

Formerly: Thanksgiving month

Time Frame: November 1–25ish

Now: Why so hungry, you ingrate?

Rationale: Comfort food won’t fill that hole, nor get you away from your relatives.

Formerly: Christmas season

Time Frame: Early November — December 25*

Now: Exactly how rapey is “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”?

Rationale: Every year? The same arguments?

Formerly: New Year’s

Time Frame: December 26–January 1

Now: Netflix season

Rationale: Nobody likes New Year’s. You don’t need a date for the act of throwing away an old calendar.

* Some people think it starts earlier and lasts longer. Those people can go straight to hell.