How I would rename the holiday seasons

You think you know about holidays. You know nothing.

julian rogers
Feb 5, 2018 · 3 min read

Smash the paradigm! It’s time. The old labels are out. No longer are we held to the old ways of thinking. Behold the new names for the true human seasons.

Time frame: January–Frebrurary

Now: Fuck this shit. I’m out.

Rationale: Up. To. Here.

Time frame: Mid January

Now: We get another holiday already?

Rationale: Void in Arizona

Time frame: Mid-Frebrurary

Now: Can we get this over with?

Rationale: What, again? Already?

Time frame: Nobody is sure

Now: Lame excuse to advertise to you day

Rationale: Why?

Time frame: Early January–early March

Now: What are the pretty people protesting this time?

Rationale: Feeble gestures placate outsize egos? It’s an honor just to be nominated / I don’t do it for the awards / I got into art so I didn’t have to compete

Time Frame: Early-to-mid March

Now: It’s still fucking winter, you day-drunk sots

Rationale: You’re also not Irish.

Time Frame: Mid-to-late March

Now: Spring was actually spring when I was young

Rationale: Desperation does not equal living up to the hype.

Time Frame: Early April

Now: You’re not clever, fool

Rationale: Your social media posts are lame.

Time Frame: Mid-to-late April

Now: There better be some really great flowers coming

Rationale: This can only end in disappointment.

Time Frame: Early May

Now: Childhood humiliation revisited

Rationale: She didn’t care.

Time Frame: Mid May

Now: She’s not my mother’s day

Rationale: She’s not.

Time Frame: Mid-to-late May

Now: The colors aren’t helping

Rationale: Flowers are overrated; people have allergies, and horrible (formerly) May Day memories.

Time Frame: Late May

Now: Everything’s booked; I’m not driving in this weekend

Rationale: You didn’t book a getaway in time. But hey, let’s do a staycation. Again.

Time Frame: Early-to-mid June

Now: Stress knots and FOMO

Rationale: You didn’t make summer camp plans for the kids, did you? And for the youn ‘uns: Finals!

Time Frame: Late June

Now: Do we have to do this?

Rationale: Dad’s tired.

Time Frame: Early July

Now: Darwin awards season

Rationale: Who blew their municipal budget and/or blew off an appendage?

Time Frame: July–August

Now: You’ve lived your life all wrong if you’re working

Rationale: It’s true. You are more alone than you know.

Time Frame: Early September

Now: Everything’s booked; I’m not driving in this weekend

Rationale: You didn’t book a getaway in time. But hey, let’s do a staycation. Again.

Time Frame: Early September–January

Now: Brain damage & greed season

Rationale: What used to be Christmas for adult males is now an exercise in looking the other way for the sake of not having to engage with your family.

Time Frame: Early September–October

Now: Plaid flannel season

Rationale: If you say “pumpkin spice,” I’ll …

Time Frame: Late September–October

Now: I told you not to buy candy this early

Rationale: Diets don’t last forever.

Time Frame: November 11ish

Now: Who do we know that’s a veteran and what can we say?

Rationale: Do feeble gestures do more harm than good?

Time Frame: November 1–25ish

Now: Why so hungry, you ingrate?

Rationale: Comfort food won’t fill that hole, nor get you away from your relatives.

Time Frame: Early November — December 25*

Now: Exactly how rapey is “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”?

Rationale: Every year? The same arguments?

Time Frame: December 26–January 1

Now: Netflix season

Rationale: Nobody likes New Year’s. You don’t need a date for the act of throwing away an old calendar.

* Some people think it starts earlier and lasts longer. Those people can go straight to hell.

Slackjaw

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Thanks to Irving Ruan

julian rogers

Written by

Maker of words and other annoyances. Communicator for hire. Unaffordable. Owner of Juju Eye Communications + publisher of The Hit Job. Twitter: (@thejujueye).

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

julian rogers

Written by

Maker of words and other annoyances. Communicator for hire. Unaffordable. Owner of Juju Eye Communications + publisher of The Hit Job. Twitter: (@thejujueye).

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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