Research Participants Wanted (To Beat My Ass)
Hey, Students!
Are you looking for a little spending money? Need a science distribution credit? Ever wanted to beat someone’s ass? Then sign up to participate in my psychology lab’s new research study: “Beat My Ass.”
I need someone to kick my ass. Hard. My wife’s hypothesis is that she’s “married a cowardly boy-man.” I completely agree, but I’m a scientist — I need proof. I need you to provide suitable data by beating my ass.
I am looking for volunteers to bring their A-game and open a can of beat-ass on me. Volunteers will be compensated $60 for pummeling the coward inside me. There is no catch here. You do not have to worry that I will try to beat your ass in return. I have no interest, as I am a weak and shameful man. In fact, to make this as easy as possible for you, I will be hogtied with ice packs taped all over my body so I am shivering and helpless when you enthusiastically beat my ass.
The study will take place on the east side of campus, in the Tech building. When you arrive, my team will hook up an EEG cap to monitor your brain activity. We’ll have you look at some ink blobs and tell us what they resemble. But…
